High life
Tinseltown tough guys
Ta k i
Athens ack in the good old days when Holly- wood was run by Eastern European Jews who may have been illiterate but knew the difference between Macbeth and MacLu- han, agents were considered glorified gof- ers, as in `Go get me a coffee, schmuck'. Well, all good things come to an end, and when the Harry Cohns, Jack Warners and Samuel Goldwyns passed on to run studios down below, the Sammy Glicks emerged to rule the roost, as well as the Polo Lounge. There were no more Gone With the Wind or All About Eve pictures, but lots of Robocops and Poltergeists, and even films depicting Jesus Christ having sex. The agents had taken over Holly- wood, and the most powerful agent of them all was — and is — one Michael Ovitz, the numero uno of Creative Artists Agency.
It takes a brave person to cross the CAA, but one who recently did was Joe Esterhas, a screenwriter of note. Esterhas went to see his agent, Ovitz, and told him he was leaving CAA because his oldest friend in the world was returning to the business and he wished to work with him. He made it clear that CAA's performance had been impeccable. `My decision has to do with loyalty to my friend and nothing else,' was the way Esterhas put it.
Needless to say, it was like Speer telling Hitler he was converting to Judaism. Just the word loyalty was enough. But Ovitz took it like a man. Or better yet, a Hollywood super-agent. Here is what he said to Esterhas, according to a letter the screenwriter sent to the Writers Guild of America: If you leave, my foot soldiers who go up and down Wilshire Boulevard each day will blow your brains out.... I will sue you.... I don't care if I win or lose, I'm going to tie you up with depositions and court dates so that you won't be able to spend any time at your typewriter.... If you make me eat shit, I'm going to make you eat shit .... If somebody came into the building and took my Lichtenstein off the wall, I'd go after them. I'm going after you the same way.'
Oy veh. Ovitz is obviously an articulate and elegant debater, as well as a lover of modern art. Apparently the veins in his neck bulged out in an alarming manner while conferring with Esterhas, and he went on to threaten to do things to the Hungarian that no fallen Eastern Euro- pean dictator had ever thought of.
Be that as it may, Esterhas has quit CAA and joined his friend, although he has not as yet been seen window-shopping on Wilshire. The point is that while bullies are being swept away in the part of the world the people who made Hollywood great came from, they are alive and well in sunny southern California. And I'm not surprised. All one has to do is to look at the films these 'gentlemen' are putting together nowadays, and one realises that the barbarians breached the gates some- where back in the early Sixties, when money became more important than any talent west of Shannon. It is enough to make one believe in Albanian central plan- ning.
This is Boswell; my personal organiser.'
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