AFTERTHOUGHT

Offensive

JOHN WELLS A manuscript that may throw fresh light on forthcoming events in the world of politics, journalism and the arts has been unearthed by the Whitehall Strollers, a group of free- lance dustman and roadsweepers. It is writ- ten in pencil on the back of a 24 x 36 inch satin-padded Christmas card from a writer who signs himself simply 'Norman S.J.-S'.

New Year's Day 1970—£50 allowance scrap- ped announcement. Leak to Express one

hour early to set suitable mood for lead stories: suggest 'Yes, it's sunshine, sunshine all the way!' Specify own involvement but

not too direct in view resentment OAPS and lower-income brackets unable raise £300 for

day trip Boulogne. Honours List. In touch with youth—Jimmy Savile? Our com- passionate society—Kenny Lynch, Learie, Dolly? Ask Kaufman ferret out more ex- tensive list coloured folk. No comment on whatsisnames capers down under. Own struggle against flu in bungalow home—ring Bob Carvel—no time for relaxation any kind, country to run etc. Perhaps all the same should ask Kaufman to look out a few suntan jokes from Manny's Bumper Gagbook for return Westminster.

us Trip. Mention R. Nixon LBJ's old chestnut re fighting my election campaigns

on White House steps. Request steps for

short coast-to-coast TV piece. Ring C. Hill to arrange peak UK coverage. Emphasise in private passionate belief in important us in- volvement in SE Asia as essential to peaceful progress mankind as own involvement

Nigeria. Public stress on 'young and vigorous President'. Arm round R. Nixon in fatherly manner for Oval Room photo session? See White House press sec.

Economic Miracle speech New York. leaks to Printing House Square, Grays Inn Road.

Silk suit and remind Kaufman buy cigar. Quiet confidence in us economy, we will stand by in hour of need.

Home again. Split Tories with more Im- migration Bill. Cabinet reshuffle. Jenkins to Min Employment and Productivity—'his in- valuable assistance in getting the balance of payments straight', Barbara as Minister of Fun, Stewart to Home Office for thoughtful consideration of new forms of capital punishment: 'They call him the Iron

Man !'—ring Daily Mail for photo call Black Museum—Brown back at FO. 'It's Brown of Arabia!—This colourful character, PM',

Callaghan to newly created Department of

Public Relations. Snap budget, take Ex- chequer reins into own hands. HP terms slashed, sixpence off income tax, penny off beer, shilling off spirits, make it all up on post-election decimal round-up. Self and Gladys to Covent Garden Budget night. Call Keystone, Movietone News, UP, AP, Reuters etc, midnight blue tails. 'We give you Harold BOOM Wilson!' or something on those lines.

Welcome Willy Brandt, Senlac. Battle, Pevensey or some suitable site for an- nouncement of tour European Capitals, Brandt to be cued on 'Grand Old Man of European Socialism' outburst. 'Harold's Counter Attack AD 1970!' Brief W.B. on snubbing whatsisname. Gladys and Queen give fancy dress ball—Palace or Downing Street? Take wind out of whatsisname's sails with SEATO agreement for .amphibious Anguilla-style battalion of reconstituted Argylls based on Singapore. Make private arrangements on Gibraltar handover in two years in exchange public acceptance of status quo by Franco. 'Si Senor! Franco bows to Wilson.' Supply cholera canisters to Lagos. Fly to Uli for mass military funeral. 'This tragic act of tribal suicide says Wilson'. Return via Salisbury for shock recognition of Rhodesian Republic. 'Misled by wicked and mischievous men. My good friend Mr Smith.' Arrange necessary funds.

Home again. Split Tories with more Im- migration Bills. Examine Tory handouts for any remaining clothes unstolen. Abolish prescription charges, free teeth and specs—'My lifelong concern. PM: Gladys on Frost programme to plead vicious cruelty of hostile cartoonists, own grief and mute pain. G. Brown ignites massive row with na- tionwide broadcast under influence of drink attacking 'The smug and unelected minority of self-opinionated bigots' in control of media. George to strike Robin Day and weep with emotion. Peace moves by self behind scenes with Hill and Aylestone in exchange sacking named producers and front men. 'They call it the Brown Terror!' A frank reappraisal of nationalisation. Leak 'Wilson may dismantle costly coal and railways and restore to private ownership' to FT, strenuous denials to all other papers.

As polls draw level, into last lap and flat out. Split Tories on race relations. Secret talks with V. Feather to offer all wage con- trols off in exchange total support at election. Leak normal 'Wilson thrashed Unions' to Beaverbrook Press etc. Major attack on Powell—'the leprous leader of a leaderless party'—Mary run down by bus as Tory cam- paign opens. Daily bulletin. Mary on brink of death. Cabinet speakers in black. Queen at bedside. Paddy the Dog --'He waits for news'. Conservative attacks borne with fortitude—`at a time like this'—call Ted whatsisname 'Howarth' on Panorama, then apologise. European leaders, Nixon, Kosygin. Mao etc. send telegrams. Silhouette snap against Big Ben—'Must he face election alone?' Eve of poll Mary miraculously saved by unspecified transplant from coloured working-class donor photographed smiling at bedside. Celebration party one a.m, onwards at Downing Street, John Morgan in to tell Welsh jokes. Jenny and Arnie to get mum- mers in. 'It's KING Harold !' NB While on the subject speak Arnie about rewriting Constitution.