High life
Docked
Taki
The cruelest blow of all was dealt to me last weekend. There I was looking forward to one more week of debauchery and decadence when the telephone rang and it was obvious that it was bad news the moment I picked it up. It was the mother of my children, ringing to announce her imminent arrival – with my children – in order to lend moral support at my impend- ing trial – which, by the way, will be more infamous than the one that sent Ireland's greatest playwright to prison for buggery, or whatever excuse it was they found to send poor Oscar down. My solicitor, in the meantime, keeps warning me not to be a smart aleck while in the dock. (Remember F. E. Smith? 'There he was, drunk as a judge,' said Lord Birken- head while testifying in court. 'You mean drunk as a lord,' interrupted the judge. ‘Ves my Lord,' said Birkenhead, and the man in whose favour he was testifying went down.) My solicitor also reminds me of Oscar Wilde's arrogance in court, and how in the end it did him in. (Mr Carson: 'Do You drink champagne yourself?' Oscar Wilde: 'Yes. Iced champagne is a favourite drink of mine – strongly against my doc- tor's orders.' Mr Carson: 'Never mind your
doctor's orders, sir.' Oscar Wilde: 'I never do.') Of course none of these remarks were as bad as the one that I personally heard a friend of mine come up with when he aPPeared before an American judge for d. runken driving, resisting arrest, and bit- ing the arresting officer's ear. When the judge asked him if this was the first time he %vas up before him, my friend couldn't resist the following: 'I don't know your Honour, what time did you get up this morning?' He got six months.
The most ridiculous reason for going to jail that I know of happened to yet another friend of mine in Monte Carlo. He and I Were very drunk and decided to relieve 0,.urselves in front of the casino. When the razz arrived I resisted a bit and then went along to the police station. While I was resisting, my friend continued to relieve ,anself on the leg of the officer who had a they on me. Needless to say, once theY had the cuffs on me they turned their clubs on him and there was nothing I could u° to help him as by then I had been tied to a tree. Worse, when they got us to the station, my my friend announced in a loud voice that he and Princess Grace had been e, xtremely intimate while she lived in Phi- ladelphia. Despite my assurances that he was only joking, the KGB-like Monaco cops went to work on him. The next day I was allowed to go back to Antibes with a warning not to use the sacred soil of Monte Carlo as a pissoir, or else — while my poor buddy had to spend one week incommuni- cado before being thrown out of the Principality for good. (Little did we realise how lucky we were at the time. Being thrown out of Monte is as bad as not being allowed into Beirut.)
Well, I know all this sounds a bit sordid, but what am I to do? I am certainly not about to cry, and if I am sent down it will only bring back happy memories of my Eton days. Which reminds me, I have to put my young son down for my old alma mater before it's too late. When I heard my children speak I almost fainted. Their accent is so American they make me sound like someone Heath would like to sound like if he could get the word house right.
Needless to say, the last weekend was spent in Wiltshire among children, dogs, wives, friends, and even a film actress. My children have not been told that their father might be taking yet another trip, so fortunately they left me alone with my thoughts of enforced solitude. My landlady must have suspected something because she had me and the wife for dinner every day. Her two daughters, too, were ex- tremely nice to me for a change — as was the mother of my Kinder. Amazing what a little time in the clink will do for one's popularity. The only bad taste was shown by my mistress, who refused to come and see me while my wife was around, and even went as far as to threaten to leave me in case I went to prison. As my old daddy always told me, never trust a girl who is less than half your age. What he should have warned me about was aristocratic crum- pet that will not wait two or three months while I pay my debt to café society. I guess that's why I think I'll stick to my wife. After all, she's older and more patient. And knowing how narrow-minded prison guards are, I imagine a mistress would be no good for a visit.
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