Excursions in Euphemism

Readers were invited (a) to invent six pretentious names for jobs demanding little or no skill, or (b) to mask any six unpleasant things with names which should conceal their unpleasantness (on the lines of 'redundancy' for 'the sack').

As expected, The Spectator's witty and versatile competitors had some good fun with this task, and most of the familiar names duly appeared on parade, smart, well-equipped, and in good order. Only a mere handful attempted the general sec- tion (b), and from those few there was little to quote, though there was merit in O. M. V. Argles's grim line: 'Hydrogen Bomb : conurba- tion adjuster.'

In the occupational group (a), ideas flashed and shimmered; but as usual in this type of com- position, many flashes were in the pan and the entry failed to maintain a steady standard of merit all through. Sundry single lines will be quoted, but for a brilliant double pun I especially liked Patrick Lacey's `Sanitary Inspector : privy councillor' (though he should remark that sani- tary inspectors have latterly been retitled public health officers). Some entrants (as happens from time to time) disqualified themselves by not read- ing the rules, and presented, for example, lists of six containing a mixture of the two groups.

This was a competition for the Century of the Common Man; but A. P. G. ingeniously turned everything inside out by renaming dignified occu- pations with bleak official titles. Thus Judge became `legal adjustment officer' and Librarian became 'printed matter attendant.' Pleased as I was with this master-stroke, I felt regret that I could not reward it, since it was outside the terms of reference. Other pleasant thoughts out- side the scheme were A. Fraser MacLean's qubalcanise for Blacksmith, and Elizabeth Lady Kilbracken's 'deputy Pied Piper' for Rodent Officer.

There was little or no ingenuity in seeking out oddly titled jobs. The same milkmen, newspaper boys, window cleaners, bus conductors and the like kept coming up time after time. Now some years ago some friends and myself drew much amusement from a Government occupational list, yet no one thought of this fruitful field. A Riveter's Holder-Up, for example, might have been a 'shipbuilding constructor's ancillary attendant: Likewise, no one thought of a trade union list, which would have furnished such delicious material as the union of Beamers, Twisters and Drawers.

The final triage brought me down to the follow- ing nine names, between which there was little to choose, and which are therefore given alpha-

betically : R. Kennard Davis, R. J. P. Hewison,

D. J. Hodges, R. A. McKenzie, J. P. Mullarky, D. R. Peddy, M. G. Scroggie, Anthony Smith- Masters, Rev. C. J. Weston. It seems to me a pity to divide the prize money too minutely, so, after much cogitation, I award a guinea and a half each to Messrs. Davis, Hewison, Mullarky and Weston.

PRIZES (R. KENNARD DAVIS) CAT'S MEAT MAN: feline alimentation distributive officer

SWEEP: domestic combustion (by-products of) eliminator.

SHOEBTACK : itinerant footwear decontaminator. PAWNBROKER: hypothecation administrator (avun- cular).

RACING TIPSTER: equine velocity estimation specialist.

UNDERTAKER: discarded corporalities disposal execu- tive.

(R. J. P. IIEWISON)

SALAD CHEF: deputy chief comestible processing officer (greenstuffs division).

COBBLER: pedal integuments reconstruction specialist. TYPIST: literary reproduction manipulative (primary grade).

POSTMAN: prepaid correspondence distribution officer.

SPIN/ : parallel market operator.

BARMAID: deputy controller of intoxicating refresh- ments (female).

P. MULLARKY)

SNOW SHOVELLER: seasonal clearance officer.

MILK ROUNDSMAN: general lactitioner.

STOKER: carboniferous fuel operator.

Bus CONDUCTOR: public motor-transport accountant.

MESSENGER: communications operative.

PUBLIC HANGMAN: extra-terrestrial travel agent.

(Rev. C. I. WESTON) SWEEP: igneous effluent residual deposit remover. JOBBING GARDENER: temporary horticultural execu- tive.

Bus CONDUCTOR: public vehicles (motor-traction) supervisor.

COOK-GENERAL: culinary consultant and domestic decontaminator.

TELEPHONE GIRL:, telephonic communications manual administrator (female).

VERGER: ecclesiastical edifice maintenance officer.

COMMENDED INDIVIDUAL LINES

NIGHT-WATCHMAN: noctician. (R. A. MCKENZIE.) BARBER : capillary dimensional adjustor. (D. R. PEDDY.) CAR PARK ATTENDANT: vehicle surveillance officer.

(D. J. HODGES.)

SHOP STEWARD: industrial disincentivator.

(M. G. SCROGGIE.)

RAG AND BONE MAN: redundant equipment redistri- bution executive. (M. G. SCROGGIE.) COOK: personnel calorie-throughput operative. (ANTHONY SMITH-MASTERS.) STONEMASON: necrological incisor. (THOMAS SWIFT.) POSTMAN: epistolarian intermediator. (S. M. MANSELL.) STREET-WALKER: gainfully itinerant amorist (female). (J. A. LINDON.) SCHOOL CROSSING ATTENDANT: pediatric pedestrian transition officer. (BUREAUSPEAK.) CAR PARK ATTENDANT: static vehicular storage marshal. (GRANVILLE GARLEY.) LIFT-ATTENDANT: vertical transportation equipment superintendent. (s. E. WOODS.) PARK-KEEPER: peripatetic discarding wrapping/ newspaper impaler. (POLYCARP.) NANNIE : lower age group controller. (curnrA.)

WINDOW-CLEANER: fenestral obscurity remover.

(W. K. HOLMES.) OFFICE JUNIOR: tannic infusion circulator.

(MRS. I. M. CONNOR.)

RACING TIPSTER: hippodromic prognosticator.

(ROBERT ELKIN.)

BABY-SITTER: infant security deputy. (G. W. T.) ERRAND BOY : retail trades distributive official. (II. A. C. EVANS.) STOP PRESS: Since making my competition adjudication, 1 realise that several jobs included are jobs of high skill. I apologise to all cooks and cobblers.-H. B. G.