COMPETITION

1620 and All That

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2101 you were invited to deal with the history of America (chronological leaps allowed) in the style of the authors of 1066 and All That.

Of the 102 settlers carried from Plymouth on the Mayflower only 35, my Brewer's tells me to my surprise, were Puritans, those being mainly the remnants of a congregation from the drab-sounding Scrooby, Notts (a good name for a new comedian?) who had settled in Leiden in 1608. I once read some- where that a primitive form of darts was played on board, though not on the Sabbath (in 1930s Scotland I was reprimanded by a passer-by for bowling a hoop on that day). Another hard fact of American history, which reaches me via Gordon Gwilliams on Alistair Cooke's authority, is that George Washington had wooden teeth.

There was a foison of good-bad jokes ('General Custard got his dessert' etc.) which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the two Sellars and Yeatman-type examination papers provided by Desmond Leslie and John Sweetman, the latter posing the tough question: 'Who drove Bill Hickok wild? Scarlett O'Hara; Calamity Jane; Pearl Harbor?' The prizewinners, printed below, get £30 each, and The Macallail Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Basil Ransome-Davies.

America was discovered by Colombo, after questioning the usual suspects. Later the Pilgron Fathers lived on Plymouth Rock, which meant that America developed a strong Constitution. The Puritans wore hats shaped like upturned buckets and were therefore known as Pail Faces. Wars against Indian tribes like the Jeep Cherokees ended with peace treaties, but the Indians had Reservations. Prohibition was a Good Thing when it stopped the Indians drink- ing fire-water but a Bad Thing because it made everyone else drunk.

American presidents began with George Washington, who was hopeless at golf because he could not tell a lie. Abraham Lincoln went from log cabin to White House but his best known address is Gettysburg. Franklin D. Roosevelt, a slippery politician who could not walk but swam a lot, was known as the Nude Eel. There are 50 states in the Union, and only two are not contagious. (Basil Ransome-Davies)

Real American history began at the Boston Tea Party when unmannerly Americans emptied tea Into Boston harbour. George III was angry (`mad' in American) and invented the War of American Independence to stop rude behaviour. After this America went west (via Wells Fargo) and started cowboy industries.

Soon after Abraham Lincoln was elected President the Civil War (which was not civil, but very rude) started when the Considerate States wanted to keep slaves, who were inventing jazz. When they lost, President Lincoln was shot at the theatre, which was more Memorable than the play. Prohibition happened when the Government said people could not enjoy a drink any more but should be miserable. This led to Depression, and the Wall Street Crash when everything hit rock bottom, then the Great Depression. People only cheered up when there was a Second World War, and Americans could bring nylons and Spam to Britain. (D.A. Prince) America evolved according to the doctrine of Manifest Disney, which in practice meant Plutocracy. Government was based on the Separation of Powers — Executive, Legislative, Judiciary and Tyrone — and E Pluribus Unum was adopted as the national motto, meaning all against each. This resulted in Monopoly, a game everyone could play.

The West was discovered by Lewis and Clark, won by Daniel Boone, lost by George Armstrong Custer and rediscovered by John Wayne. Among American writers are Henry James, who wrote The Age of Innocence, Scott Fitzgerald, who invented the Jazz Age, and Ernest Hemingway, who inhabited the Stone Age.

American Presidents, who include Lincoln the Great Emancipator and Nixon the Great Bugger, live in the White House and work in the Evil Office.

America has no History and has to import it, exporting Bruce Willis to maintain the balance of payments. (G.M. Davis) America was first found by Red Indians who, being neither red nor Indian, lacking dates and not speaking English, soon lost it. Vikings found it later but, without dates and English, they promptly forgot.

1492. America found again! St Columba sailed to the East Indies and, confusingly, found America. He gave it to Spain; a Good Thing (Christian) but a Bad Thing (not English).

1620. America found by poor Italians who came from England in the Mayflower. They were good, spoke English, burned witches and had founding fathers (family values). However, they hated tea and stopped being English in 1776.

1860. Important because Americans started the Civil War Tradition, i.e. killing each other and their leaders (Kennedys) in large numbers.

1918-1945. Americans found the World — a Good Thing and a Bad Thing,

(Graeme Tennent)