COMPETITION

No. 634: No go

British Rail announce that intend- ing cross-Channel travellers on Christmas Day will be conveyed to Dover by road as there will be no trains. Competitors are asked to comment on this Alice in Wonder- land situation in either prose or verse—not more than 150 words or 16 lines respectively. Entries, mark- ed 'Competition No. 634,' by 23 December.

No. 631: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Corn- petitors were asked to report the conversation they thought might take place between Winston Chur- chill and General de Gaulle when the latter made his entrance to the next world. The abrasive clash between hauteur and candour which was to be expected was ex- ploited by most entrants. Roger Woddis, for instance, has this: DE O: Destiny has ordained that I, Charles de Gaulle, who embody the spirit of France—

CH : Chuck it, Charlie! Nobody's listening.

Churchillian French too had a showing. Here is Martin Fagg's Churchill in full flow: 'Venez, venez, mon anti, noire liaison sur la terre dans la guerre- ce n'etait pas tout fa confiture, mais le temps est certainenzent arrive u oublier tout cela J. D. Crispin's Churchill gives a formal address of welcome but even so cannot altogether subdue the General: -CHURCHILL: M. le General, as the youngest member of this distin- guished welcoming party it is my privilege to introduce my more senior colleagues. This is Alexander, who on earth so richly deserved the epithet 'Great'; while here are two of the best known Caesars, Aug- ustus and Julius. Your great nation is represented by Char- lemagne and the Emperor Nap- oleon, and mine (there is no bitterness here) by the Duke of Wellington and my kinsman the Duke of Marlborough. Pray let me also present Peter the Great and George Washington. Each of us, I think, has played some part in shaping the destinies of our respective peoples, and we are honoured by your joining us. The Supreme Authority has de- creed that we spend the next few thousand years in friendly rem- iniscence and debate.

DE GAULLE: I cannot recall making any such pronouncement.

Though doomed to disappoint- ment in his new ambitions, the General usually managed to sustain the conversation on not too unequal terms. But he gets distinctly the worst of things in E. 0. Parrott's version: • CHARLES: Ah! C'est Churchill! I feared I was in . . . the other place. All this smoke!

WINSTON: (happily puffing an eter- nal cigar): I have nothing to offer you but harps, haloes, wings and eternal life.

CHARLES: Please direct me to my fellow Deity. I have for so long supplanted Him in the affections of my French people . . . .

WINSTON: (growling): Never in the field of human government has so much been paid by so many for so little. What kind of people did you think they were?

cHARtEs: May I remind you that 1, General Charles de Gaulle ...

WINSTON: Some general! Too much damned neck!

CHARLES: You choose to be blas- phemous!

WINSTON : Another case of term. inological inexactitude!

CHARLES: I shall not stay where am so unwelcome. But I always honoured you in your small way as the man who gave Eur- ope the idea that blossomed, under my leadership, into 'The Six'.. Fortunately, all my sins were forgiven me before arrival. These entries win two guineas each.

• There were a number of other - quotable entries among which those of F. A. V. Madden and John Digby particularly caught the eye. but the remaining prizes go to Iwo entertaining encounters from T. Griffiths (three guineas) and W. F. N. Watson (four guineas).

'Me voilh!'

'Oh, it's you.'

'00 se trouve Dieu?'

'You'll be lucky. I haven't had an interview with him yet. I can - arrange St. Peter in a jiffy. Would you like that?'

Je veux le vrai grossium.'

'Regardez ici, mon vieux Charles. Excusez mon mauvais francais. 'mais it semble a moi que vous ne m'avez pas compris. ici c'est les derniers qui sont les premiers. Corn- prenez? II faut attendre. Vous et moi. Talk about feeding drones with royal jelly. He's seen Clem twice and that Simone Weil's %%ith him every other day.'

'Tres bien. Oh se trouve Le Saint Esprit?'

'He won't talk with Catholics. Says they gossip too much about him and the Virgin.'

'Alors, oil se trouve La Pucelle d'Orleans?'

'Oh, you'll find her with Claude!. two clouds along.'

'Ron. Adieu!'

'Silly old b! Never could stand the fellow.'

T. Griffiths 'Welcome to. Paradise, General. `Merci, mon ami. Ca va bien?'

thank you. General.' 'Et ou'est-ce qu'on fait, pendant l'eternite?'

-- 'You and I sit nermanently on the Almighty's Council of war. planning camnaigns against Satan's Legions. Pray let me escort you to yo,,. teat_'

'A to main droite du Seigneur?' - 'Why General! You sorely must be aware whose nlace that is!'

'A la main gauche. alors?'

I fPPer"nniI.ir a hic7rnty;te

a (IYA.m ?

'I'm sorry, my dear General. M rihar01).A.'

- `Anrec Malhrouk?'

Nanedenn. Foch, Rommel. Mac- sena. Hindenburg

'A gauche?' `David, Wellington, Turenne. Enoxne . . .

'Et ma nlace, enfin?' qu:ii,Nnozneumrber . . . .fifteen: left.' Ft vi.oudrevoGuas;1,1e, numero 'You have, not understood. Gen; eral. On the Right Hand of power. `C'esta vows! Main ....c'est la piace de . .2

No ... He's Field Commander'. 'Ca alors. L'ascenseur, s'il vous plait.'

'The I ift ?'

'L'ascenseur. Au sous-sol.'

W. F. N. Watson