Free the newt
From Lady Mortimer Sir: Red Ken's heroic plan to ban fox-hunt- ing from Brent is surely to be applauded by all right-thinking people. But he does not go far enough. It is time for a campaign to ban the keeping of newts in cities.
Most people know very little indeed about the keeping of newts. This is no rea- son for not wishing to ban the practice. One just has to think about these poor little rep- tiles, imprisoned in a gloomy tank with a few old rocks scattered about, to know how miserable they must feel. Who would actu- ally choose a life like that? We must set them free.
My recently convened focus group tells me that the rural population of Britain (and, indeed, the majority of the urban and semi- urban) finds the keeping of newts to be a barbaric, abhorrent and out-dated pastime.
It will almost certainly be unanimously decided that newts should be taken out of the cities in specially equipped vans and released into the wild. Some politically incorrect individuals will protest that newts who have spent all their lives in captivity will not know how to survive in the country- side, and will either die of starvation or be run over by tractors. But if it's good enough for foxes found wandering the streets of St John's Wood, it's good enough for newts.
Of course, the real objection to fox-hunt- ing is the fact that so many followers wear red or black coats. But the cruel newt-keep- ers, I'm informed, wear horrible brown jackets. To see such a person leaning over your tank and staring at you must be a truly terrifying sight. People who support this campaign should shout out, 'Scum! Tortur- er!' etc. whenever they catch sight of some- one in a brown jacket and grey shoes.
I have decided to call this protest the Bernking Campaign (Ban Ethically Repel- lent Newt Keeping). I suggest that, to add the right amount of seriousness to the cause, `Bernking' should be pronounced in the way that the late Inspector Clouseau would have said it.
I urge the caring people of our great and free country to unite in a forceful demand to ban all newt-keeping. A distinguished mem- ber of the Upper House who sits on the crossbenches has already rallied to the call. We can expect a Private Member's Bill to be introduced in the not-too-distant future.
Until then we will sally forth and campaign under the banner: TERNIONG FOR EVER!'
Penny Mortimer
Henley-on-Thames, Oxforashire
P.S. When I met Red Ken recently, he told me that he was against all unnecessary cru- elty to animals. I asked him what he then thought about halal and kosher butchery. He stabbed his finger at me twice, shouted, `You're a racist! You're a racist!', and scut- tled off. I was therefore unable to ask him for the logic behind his uncharacteristic outburst.
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