No. 651: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: On the analogy of the schoolboy recently who, refusing a caning for an allegedly improper essay, found the prospect of an acting career opening up before him, competitors were asked to compose a letter offering to anyone lately in the news a suitable role in a film or television commercial.

Why do all those politicians whom we (most of us) regularly banish—together with their party political broadcasts—at the turn of a knob continue to fascinate the articulate public? Or are SPECTATOR competitors exceptional? Whatever the answers, three-quarters of the entries were addressed to politicians. If to this mesmeric charm we add a soupcon of porn, it may account for the fact that by far the most frequent addressee was Lord Longford (lately appointed to study the subject)—almost a quarter of all entries. Quality did not match quantity, however, and the only prizewinner among them (three pounds) was Molly Fitton:

Dear Lord Longford,

My firm is just about to launch a new deter- gent and I should like to solicit your person (if you take my meaning) for assistance in the massive TV advertising campaign we shall shortly be mounting. We might even call the powder after you (`Longford Washes Whitest' has a nice euphony don't you think? Or 'Long- ford—the dauntless dirt-drubber'). The main selling point of 'Longford' will be a knocking- copy assault on those of our competitors who boast of a 'blue whitener' in their powders. The slogan 'Eliminate that blue film with Longford' immediately suggests itself. Why don't we have lunch together in Soho some day next week?

Next in popularity (if that is the right word) was the Prime Minister. Here Fergus Porter deserves three pounds of our prize money: Dear Mr Heath, My clients, a well-known film company, are thinking of remaking Mutiny on the Bounty. They have authorised me to approach you to establish whether you would be interested in playing the leading part of Captain Bligh. My clients appreciate that, although your musical abilities have often been demonstrated, you have not so far appeared publicly in a dramatic role. However, they feel that, both by tempera- ment and experience, you would be well fitted to play the part now offered to you. In case you have forgotten the plot, Captain Bligh, having sailed into foreign waters, was faced by a mutiny among his crew and forced to leave the ship in a small boat, accompanied by a handful of colleagues. I should be glad to know your response to this tentative proposal and Peter Peterson also wins three pounds: Dear Ted,

Are you perhaps looking round for a new position? If so, we have something to offer. The Emery Corporation, an American concern, requires a British Television Sales Representa- tive, and have asked us to contact you. Their choice may seem surprising, but they are not looking for a smoothie; they are experts at rubbing off rough corners. What they want is someone who can be counted on to come up to scratch—someone with the common touch. The job would entail frequent late-night personal appearances, but not more than you are used to. The initial salary would be much higher than the one you now enjoy, and future pros- pects are excellent. In fact, your abrasive per- sonality should make you ideally suited for an eventual seat on the Emery Board. If you are interested, why not write direct to Emery's President, Carl B. Rundum?

Yours ever,

MIKE

George van Schaick's entry (two pounds) makes a point which must have occurred to a lot of viewers of this sort of TV programme:

Dear Hamish,

I was greatly impressed by your frequent, if unintended, appearances during the recent `Glencoe Climb' on BBC 1. You are surely wasted as a mere radio cameraman for I know that many viewers were filled with admiration for the way that, impeded as you were by televi- sion equipment, you constantly succeeded in remaining' a few feet above the leading 'official' climber.

As casting director of a film which is being planned of the ill-fated international Everest expedition I am authorised to offer you the part of a world-famous climber. Needless to say, most of the film will consist of dramatic scenes of tense political rivalry and intrigue, but you would be required for a few short sequences towards the end when those expedi- tion members who have not gone home in high (20,000ft) dudgeon make an abortive attempt on the summit, Yours sincerely, Mr Wilson could hardly expect very generous treatment, and exactly the same suggestion for making use of his talents was submitted by M. K. Cheeseman and T. Griffiths. Here is M. K. Cheeseman's version (two pounds): Dear Mr Wilson, This firm has long been an admirer of yours, and in particular of your championship of the technological revolution through which this country is passing. In particular, we are strongly aware of the determined attitudes which you took on such issues as Rhodesia, Welfare Re- form, Devaluation, George Brown, the Trade Unions and many other issues which faced your government during your years of office. Since then our admiration for you has increased with the revelation of your views on the Com- mon Market. Under these circumstances, we would be glad if you would consent to recom- mend our products in a film commercial. All that is called for is you to be shown sitting on one of our products and saying 'For all purposes, Allwright's Fences are best'.

Yours faithfully,

K. ALLWRIGIII

The Royals were represented,' but that article attracted most attention and Roger Woddis gets a final three pounds for his letter to his editor: Dear Richard Crossman, My company is planning a re-make of Dracula, and we would be delighted if you would agree to play the Count. Although you may not have had any professional acting ex- perience, we feel that your present image, as projected via the mass media, would make you an ideal choice for the heavy villain.

A few words about the film: we have up- dated the story, so that it is set in present-day Britain. Dracula is now a respectable journalist who changes after midnight into a gruesome fiend with an insatiable thirst for blood— especially royal blood. One night he climbs into the Queen's bedroom to suck her blood. but is forestalled by an army of loyal subjects, led by a trad group; Earl Jellicroe and the Sycophants.

The climax of the film is a terrific fight be- tween the Queen's defenders and the League of Vampire Loyalists,