SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 17
Report by Hilary Brett-Smith The following have been tried out for the Third Programme. A prize of f5 was offered for extracts (not more than 200 words) from the Talks Producer's confidential report on one of them, urging that he should not be employed again : Dr. Johnson, Baron Miinchausen, S. T. Coleridge, Oscar Wilde, Dr. Spooner.
A fine entry and most enjoyable reading, for almost everyone had something good to say. At first I feared the judging would prove correspondingly difficult, but, on closer examination, many of the competitors failed to live up to their own best moments, while others concentrated too exclusively on their subjects' physical mannerisms. Remarkably consistent pictures of the would-be broad- casters emerged from these reports: failure to follow the script was universal (even though Mr. Wilde on one occasion promised to do so on the grounds that " spontaneity is always the result of premeditation ") ; Dr. Johnson's unpunctuality was an affliction to all his producers ; Mr. Coleridge was an unmitigated pest—I need only mention his humming tone: untrimmed adenoids, bursts of entranced incantation and the troublesome recurrence of " ommject " and " summject " ; Dr. Spooner's equal geniality and unpredictability were constantly remarked ; Baron Miinchausen produced all the expected extravagances—but it is perhaps more difficult to create shock and incredulity nowadays ; Mr. Wilde made a habit of import- ing his own decor and refreshment, sometimes no more outré than incense and champagne, but in one case including " a beautiful boy—a grave and gilded Ganymede—bearing cups of aromatic wine." It is a pity that we have lost Mr. Wilde's talk on the Deterioration of Decadence in the Post-War World ; but it was always clear that, in the words of one producer, he fails to support those ideals for which the Corporation stands.
Dr. Johnson led the field numerically and in nuisance value: he had evidently proved the most exhausting and intractable to pro- ducer, engineers and listener research, though the latter reported enthusiasm from Light Programme listeners who had tuned in by mistake—as well as protests from America, France and Scotland and many associations of professional men. Producers tended to think he would do better anywhere else—in the study ; on a Brains Trust, preferably in association with Dr. Joad ; or on television if a strong enough cornp?re could be found. However, the one discussion actually organised, on modern drama with Mr. T. S. Eliot and Mr. Bridie, soon came to grief on the question of nationalities, though not before Dr. Johnson had defined existentialism as " futility buttressed by assurance and founded on ignorance." The doctor's constant and obtrusive tea-drinking, his hooting and eructations, the rolling in his chair which produced alternate fading and blasting, were too much for the engineers (some now on sick leave) and his mistrust for the microphone often led him to violence.
Dr. Spooner was next in popularity, and there were many indi- vidual successes—his interest in bare rooks, his pleasure in Delius's " delightful recollection of cooking the first hero in spring." Like others nowadays, he sometimes found himself discussing catering when his mind should have been on Higher Things : a script on. New College emerged as a talk on Queue Knowledge, in which he avowed his " worm fish " to preserve the " quarts and cod wrangles " of Oxford from " eyeing prize " which might upset the " flushing bellows " and " skim trouts."
The best sustained performances this week came from E. P. Bazalgette and R. Kennard Davis, who explains that instead of transporting the Doctor to the twentieth century, he has taken the easier course of transporting the B.B.C. to the eighteenth. They share the first prize (£2 each) ; a third prize of £1 goes to the Reverend N. S. Power.
FIRST PRIZES (E. P. BAZALGETI-E) . . . and I feel that Baron Miinchausen has seriously undermined public confidence in the veracity of our travel talk series. Few people, I realise, have penetrated into the more remote parts of the Kamchatka peninsula, so that normally one would hesitate to,question an explorer's testimony. The intelligence that dwelling there is a long lost race of giant Esquimaux, survivors of a carelessly navigated kayak expedition, was certainly a little startling, but might have passed muster if left at that. It is difficult to credit, however, that this colony is ruled by a vagrant Tibetan lama of small stature and ferpcious mien, that all converse in die 'argot of the port quarter of Marseilles, and that the Caucasian Steppe Moose, markedly polyandrous in habit, is the only means of transport. More than one eminent authority has written to challenge the Baron's assertion that the tribe exists on a simple diet of prunes. . . .
(R. KENNARD DAVIS) The diftinguifhed Lexicographer arrived at the ftudio, accompanied by Am Bofwell, in a ftate of confiderable agitation. fhaking his head in an abfurd manner, and fighing and groaning to himfelf. Compofing him- felf fiightly, he examined the inftrument, and expreffed himfelf as highly pleafed with its ingenuity. When afked to fpeak a trial fentence, roared out a few words in fo tremendous a manner, and with fuch folemnity as to difconcert us all. Being requefted to moderate his tones, he then addreffed himfelf to his talk. His mode of fpeaking was at firft very impreffive ; but prefently he began to roll about and to interfperfe his remarks with ftrange founds, fometimes whiftling, fometimes clucking like a hen or pronouncing " too too too " under his breath. The ludicrous effect was too much for Mr. Bofwell; and the Doctor, catching fight of his mirthful expreffion, fuddenly interrupted his difoourfe to exclaim, "Sir your hilarity is intempeftive!" It was neceffary to fufpend proceedings, to the difappointment, doubtlefs, of many lifteners. Dr. Johnfon was eventually mollified, and fhowed a defire to repeat the experiment but his exuberant ftyle, fo ftimulating in converfation, is ill-fuited, in our judgment, to the exigencies of Broadcafting.
SECOND PRIZE (REVD. N. S. PowEa) . . . Really, I do feel it makes our position impossibly precarious— how can we censor the unpredictable ? It wasn't his remark about " modern trends in philosophy being mere imitations of fast passions" which upset us most ; far worse was the solemnly made assertion that nothing is more important to the housewife than having the highest type of leather shorts 1
The real menace of this torlp of tyke became obvious when the announcer congratulated Dr. Spooner for " making the dame seductions that modern divines were feeling after."
Obviously, Sir, this cabit is hatching and the stalks must be topped despite the glisteners' rumbles.
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