YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I am the headmaster of a large Anglican school — a position which requires me to attend a great many school social functions. One particular parent who is always in charge of raffle sales invariably greets me as I approach the door with the cry, 'Head- master, now I'll just put you down for five dollars worth of tickets!' She is busily writ- ing the tickets while I try to find the money. Sometimes I don't have any money with me and I am consequently embarrassed to have to share this news with the crowd who have assembled to watch. I don't mind support- ing any good cause but I rather like to have some say in what I do. The good lady is a hard-working and kind person but I always feel bossed about at my own school func- tions. This is not a happy state for a head- master to be in, particularly one with a strong sense of his own importance. How do I manage this situation in the future?
R.P.TB., Queensland, Australia A. Be prepared and come to the next func- tion with the amount she is likely to demand in as many coins of small change as can possibly fit into its equation. You will then be in a position to redress the balance of power by bossing her as you trickle the coins onto a surface. 'There you are, my good woman,' you can say, 'I'm going par- ticularly to enjoy buying these tickets from you today because I'm a busy man — too busy to deal with all the small change I accumulate. And you're a woman who would like to be busier, so there you are — 1)ere's some worthwhile work for you to do. Mind you count it up accurately now! No slacking or getting distracted!' Wag your finger in admonishment as you move away from her.
Q. The lavatory seat problem raised (or rather not raised) by your correspondent of 29 November can be resolved by adapting a fire-door closure device to keep the seat up by default. The spring-dampener can be adjusted for tension so that the seat will not fly up in a violent manner, possibly cata- pulting a seated user into the air or shatter- ing the cistern and thereby dampening things in a different sense. The alternative is a sheet of cling-film stretched tightly over the seat and thus practically invisible. Instant catastrophe to the trousers of the offender. In the unlikely event that he complains, blame it on a recent holiday your cleaning lady spent in America where they put strips of paper across the seats to indicate they have been cleaned, saying that she means well but hasn't quite got the hang of the idea. There is no need to warn potential seated users in advance, as they immediately notice something peculiar on sitting down.
D.M., Eynsham Park Oxfordshire A. Thank you for your letter, but a huge number of female correspondents complain of seats left up following male use. Lavato- ry-seat problems are in fact becoming so dominant a nuisance of everyday life that there is talk, from those who can afford it, of employing lavatory attendants inside their private homes to supervise delinquent adult males during the lavatory-going process.
The author's book, Dear Mary . . . Your Social Dilemmas Resolved, is published by Constable at 0.99.
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