Political Commentary

Let them eat spaghetti

Patrick Cosgrave Scene One (Present: the Prime Minister, Mr Joseph Godber, Sir Geoffrey Howe, Mr Anthony Barber) P.M.: What do you mean, a committee to investigate the price of beef?

A.B.: A committee to investigate the price of beef.

G.H.: We must reassure the consumer that we are doing everything we can.

P.M.: But what can they investigate? Don't you know why the price has gone up, Joe? J.G.: Oh yes. It's because in world terms supply and demand are out of balance with one another. But I can't just say that. We must do something.

A.B.: Yes, we must definitely act.

G.H.: The consumer must be re-assured that we are doing everything we can. P.M.: Oh God.

Scene Two: a meeting of the Committee to investigate the price of beef (Present: Dame Elizabeth Ackroyd, Mr James Gul/iver and Mr Sydney Robinson) E.A.: Gosh, it's good to be back in government again.

S.R.: Back where?

E.A.: Well, you know. In good old Harold Wilson's time the Government paid a lot of attention to the Consumer's Council — of which, as you may know, I was head. Yes, it's good to be back.

J.G.: Elizabeth, you've said exactly the same thing every time we've met. The question is, what do we do about beef? E.A.: You've said exactly the same thing every time we've met as well, and you did carry on so at Smithfield J.G.: It was cold. And we've got to do something about beef. That's what we were appointed for you know.

S.R.: No, it wasn't. We were appointed to investigate, not to do anything.

E.A.: Oh come, don't quibble. The public is looking to us for a lead. We must lead. We must act. We must innovate. Consumerism, y'know.

S.R.: When I was head of the National Union of Boot and Shoe Operatives, we used to innovate.

J.G.: When I was head of Fine Fare we sold a lot of beef.

(A period of silence).

S.R.: This is not getting us anywhere, you know. And we have to report by Friday. E.A.: We mustn't get discouraged, you know. Cattle livestock prices fell in the Midlands last Monday. So you can't say we haven't had any effect.

J.G.: They fell because people have Stopped buying beef.

S.R.: Well, you can hardly blame them, can you? With prices the way they are nowadays — the Government should do something.

E.A.: Personally, I never eat beef. Not even at weekends. It's far too expensive. And I don't even like the stuff. If only people would become more European, and eat spaghetti or something, S.R.: They eat a lot of fish and chips. E.A.: Well, we must investigate. If we're to report by Friday we have to work jolly hard in the meantime. What do you think causes beef prices to go up, James J.G.: Well, it's quite simple, really. If you're a butcher, or a supermarket owner or whatever you have to make a profit on the meat you sell. And that means you have to charge for it rather more than you pay and enough to cover some of your overhead as well.

S.R.: So the trouble is that the wholesalers are charging too much. That's the way it always was with boots and shoes — J.G.: Well the wholesalers say they have to make a profit too.

E.A.: It must be the farmers, then.

J.G.: Don't be silly, Elizabeth. You remember (hunts among his papers) the farmer told us that their costs have gone right through the ceiling — they can't lower their prices.

S.R.: How is it then that, as Elizabeth was saying, prices fell in the Midlands last Monday.

J.G.: Because people haven't been buying beef. That means that the wholesalers must reduce their prices to the retailers, and the farmers to the wholesalers, otherwise the wholesalers wouldn't buy from the farmers, and the retailers wouldn't buy from the wholesalers, and the consumer wouldn't buy from the retailers.

E.A.: But if that went on nobody would grow cattle anymore.

J.G.: Breed cattle.

E.A.: Oh yes.

J.G.: Not necessarily. You see all these foreigners want beef now. Even the Italians.

E.A.: Oh, how splendid of them — we've only been in the Common Market a week or so, and here they are helping out. J.G.: Well, it's not helping. If the foreigners want beef now, even the farmers and the wholesalers can sell abroad, and they don't have to bother so much about the British retailer and the British consumer.

E.A.: Look, James, I think you've explained it all frightfully well. Why doesn't that nice young secretary man just write it all down and we'll tell the PM. J.G.: He knows.

E.A.: Oh.

S.R.: Well, if he knows — and if he knows I suppose Godber knows — what are we doing here anyway?

E.A.: Do you think it's something to do with Bangladesh? Or Uganda? '

J.G.: Bangladesh?

S.R.: Uganda?

E.A.: Well, you know, world conditions. J.G.: That's a thought. I expect it has a lot to do with world conditions. After all there's inflation all over the place. Even the Japs, you know, are eating beef now. S.R.: The law of supply and demand. J.G.: That's right.

S.R.: Well, that's all right then. Let's say something about supply and demand, and Bangladesh.

J.G.: No, world conditions.

Scene Three (as Scene One) P.M.: This report's a load of tripe.

G.H.: Not tripe, Ted, beef.

J.G.: They're very accurate you know. Very good on world conditions.

P.M.: But'you told me all this before I set up the Committee.

A.B.: But, come, Ted. You can't deny that prices have gone down. Last Monday in the Midlands all the beef auctions reported lower prices.

G.H.: Well, we could always have a Committee to investigate. Let's see, if we announced the appointments tomorrow we could probably have a report next Friday. That would mean we'd have all the Sunday paper coverage, and a steady running coverage throughout the week and then, with the report printed next weekend, we'd have the Sunday papers again. I suggest Elizabeth Ackroyd.

A.B.: Steady on, Geoffrey. It's a very bad idea to have a Committee investigating something when you don't know the answer. It's only when you know the answer that you want a Committee. Then you don't have to worry all week about what they're going to say.

P.M.: Rotten stuff anyway, beef. Why don't they eat continental food?

J.G.: Well, there's a question we know the answer to.

G.H.: I suggest Ernest Wistrich. He's very European minded.

P.M.: That's not a bad idea. Perhaps we could have a Fanfare for Europe.

G.H.: No, no, Ted. A Fine Fare for Europe. P.M.: That means having Gulliver back again, I suppose.

A.B: Of course.

G.H.: And we could have Arnold Goodman. He's very European too, and his tastes are so simple.

P.M.: Get on with it then. I want a report by next Friday, mind. So they'll all have to work jolly hard.