13 JANUARY 1990, Page 28

Hell Rejuvenated

Sudden sounds of excitement. 'Such wickedness as you never heard of!' chortled the devils. 'Child abuse!'

`Oh?' said Beelzebub, dead bored for many a long year. `Something new at last?'

`More or less.' They grinned. 'Certainly more of it.' They were looking forward to a spot of forensic medicine. Minute examination of private parts, testing for bruising, tearing, dilation. 'Except we see signs and wonders we won't believe, of course.'

`Dilution?' Beelzebub yawned. 'We've had quite enough of it. All that diluted democratised delinquency ...'

`You ought to read the newspapers,' said one of the cheekier devils. They explained in detail.

`If I understand correctly, we can't lose,' mused Beelzebub. 'If we don't collar the adult for — what did you call it? — then we catch the child for defamation,' A new sense of purpose swept through the place. Spirits were kindled. 'Get out the millstones!', cried Beelzebub, changing into an asbestos surgical gown.

Very heaven was it in that dawn. D. J. Enright