13 JANUARY 2001, Page 54

Subtext

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2169 you were invited to supply extracts, in modern parlance, from a diary kept by a character in Hamlet during the action of the play.

This was yet another case of Hamlet without the Prince, since not a single diary offered was his. Nothing either, surprisingly, from Rosencrantz or Guildenstern. Instead, there was an interesting bias towards minor characters — the Grave-digger, Bernardo, shivering nightly on sentry duty, even (remember him?) Voltemand.

The prizewinners, printed below (whose diarists, with the exception of Osric, are instantly recognisable), get /25 each, and the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Nicholas Hodgson.

Instructed Feelie to steer clear of H. — feller's potty. Bestowed sound advice (publishable?) and paternal blessing on La-la. He's a fine, trustworthy boy....

Don't trust La-la an inch. Ensured he's followed in Paris. H. declared love for Feelie. Wd be perfect match, but 1-1. clearly two lines short of a sonnet. Pity she can't have the Prince without Hamlet....

Explained (rather well, I thought) to Big Cheese that H. was loopy because he was harking....

Players in town. Explained (not altogether infelicitously) drama to H. I'd like to sec him on stage! Mentioned my not wholly unsuccessful treading the boards. H. still crackers. Saw first (and last?) performance of The Mousetrap. Must get arras fixed....

(Nicholas Hodgson) A royal command performance is all very well but this is the last time I play at Elsinore. The Lord Hamlet presented me with a boring additional speech written by himself and then proceeded to lecture me on how to deliver it. Typical of royalty! A couple of appearances in a student production at Wittenberg and he thinks he's entitled to teach a pro how to do his job. That young man is either on the juice or rapidly qualifying for the funny farm. The performance was a fiasco. Hamlet hardly glanced at the players and the lot of them stormed out before the interval. Not that I blame them.

One thing's certain: The Mousetrap certainly won't run and run.

(P.D. James)

Monday: Funds low. Crisis talk from manager — must net court performance, otherwise its village reindeer shows.

Tuesday: Went to Elsinore, Prince very affable. Downside though — put me through speech from dreadful old Troy play. Hammed up Hecuba hit to keep him sweet. Said ‘mobled queen' for 'mottled queen' (neither makes much sense anyway). Prince picked it up. Pedant, Nice old buffer chipped in and saved me, Wednesday: Prince insufferable before performance. Ludicrous harangue on acting techniques (Wittenberg school with water, basically). Performance OK, I suppose — we got paid. But why won't these swell audiences keep quiet? Even Prince chattering during action. Then out stalked the Big Cheese. Manager made us laugh afterwards. Said maybe he'd forgotten to say his

prayers. (Chris Tingley)

8 Feb: Knocked Johnny Pole for six. Accepted unconditional surrender at 0600 hours.

12 Feb: Urgent call on green scrambler. Some sort of shindig in Denmark, apparently. Smack of firm government needed. Cavalry put on standby for quick dash to Elsinore. 13 Feb: Arrived Elsinore 1500 hours. Rapid appraisal of situation. Bloody shambles. Imposed curfew, though entire civilian population too rat-arsed to care one way or t'other. Found Horatio blubbing like a wet weekend over the body of young Hamlet. Arranged funeral with full military honours. Referred to H. as first-class king material. Total bullshit. Chap couldn't have organised an orgy in a brothel.

2300 hours: Accepted crown. Read two chapters of Caesar's Gallic Wars. Slept like a two-year-old.

(Watson Weeks)

Tuesday: I hope it flops.

Wednesday: Not a flop, more a flap. General hysterics. Old Polonius went to his Maker, seen off by Hamlet personally. Did him no good with the King, who was absolutely livid, nor the Queen. 0., poor darling, went quite shamingly off her trolley. So Hamlet was despatched to England with R. SE G. Pity about 0., it was getting quite like old times. R. madly jealous. Naturellemeni!

Tuesday: More madness. The King bet Laertes he couldn't win a duel with Hamlet (surprise, surprise, back from England). He couldn't, but nobody collected their winnings. And the expense! The Hall needs complete redecoration, if they ask me. I fancy blue. I suspect Fortinbras quite likes me.

(Fergus Porter)

am: Gertrude remarkably frisky and inventive. Later, court function ruined by Hamlet, who's into weird aggressive punning. Caught his drift but kept smiling. He wears mourning like fancy dress. He's taken to talking to himself — great florid speeches. Splendid midnight carouse — Hamlet not present, seen stalking the battlements. Norway still threatens

Was it worth it Hamlet's on to me. Absolutely cuckoo but dangerous with it. Following a deliberately insulting skit by his troupc of thcsps he raved at Gertrude, then snuffed that idiot Polonius with thrust meant for me! Now on shipboard for England — with orders(!). Norwegian business critical....

Is all Elsinore mad? Polonius's girl now honkers. Gertrude frigid and moody. Young Fortinbras's troops massing. Bring back Hamlet Senior! If only... !

(Gerard Benson)

No. 2172: Bouts times

You are invited to supply two stanzas of ottava rim with the following rhymescheme: furs, September, hers, November, stirs. member, convened, fiend, miscarriages, excesses. marriages, tresses. Claridges, princesses, appetite, bite. Entries to 'Competition No. 2172' by 25 January.