No. 1377: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a imaginary exchange of letters be- tween the mayors of London and Managua on the news that the two cities are to be 'twinned'.

It was the turn of the regulars this week — those terrible twins, E.L. Bellwringle and Basil Ransome-Davies, were back in form, the first carrying off the bonus bottle of Cognac Courvoisier VSOP. The five winners printed below get £10 apiece, and Noel Petty and John O'Byme receive sPecial mentions. Incidentally, I wonder if there is in print a handbook of twinned towns, complete with accounts of mutual Jollifications and topics of passionately shared interest. I should enjoy sitting in Ravenna and reading at a safe distance all about her sister Slough or Scunthorpe or Wherever . Publishers, please spring into action.

Greetings!

In name of Sandinista's Revolving Front, we Welcome this conjunctivitis between our two benighted cities. Is great grand-feather in our capital to forge such a manacle. Together we are Worth six of the best, and we look to make overtures with many your fine underground Movements, especially Victoria. A grand cry,

this: Victoria! What we have over our enemies, the Yanqui.

Mayor of Managua.

PS: Pardon we, but until Liverpool Street band over, we no play ball with you.

Felicitations. This is to inform you respecting our recent deinternationalisation venture that the London Ordinary Organisational Networking Society extends its formal ratification to this act of liberation but notifies your glorious city that it must change its name to comply with bye-law 758/bf/3333(i) relating to nomenclatural sexism.

This committee recommends Aguaville as an historic compromise. Joint Acting Mayoralty, London.

Your Worship, On behalf of the Aldermen and Sheriffs of the City of London, I send fraternal greetings to our Sandinista friends. It is not easy to understand Central American politics, but I feel safe in saying that your struggles against Communist aggression are the admiration of the free world.

The Lord Mayor of London.

Dear Lord Mayor of London, Thank you that you send me hullo. Hullo also!

I not understand your jokings, but I am hearing you are leader of great English Revolution, and have shot Bishop of London and Mrs Hatcha Lord Livingstone is honoured name in this neck, also Sandilyle. I sign in the blood of the bastard

Yanks. The Jaguar of Managua. (Paul Griffin) Felicitations, Major Livingstone!

I embrace you hotly and rejoice that our great cities are now geminised. Please reply soonest and deliver me up some advices how to resist the militaristic Thatcher-Reagan axis, also how to be a nuclear-free zone.

Dear Mr Lopez, Firstly, my name is not Livingstone — I fear there has been some ghastly mistake. However, I do feel there is scope in this 'twinning' idea. After all, the City is certainly threatened by 'Reaganomics' — high interest rates can be just as catastrophic as a trade embargo, you know. And just as you have your 'Contras', we have our 'Stop the City' anarchists. You must wish, as

I do, that they'd grow out of this silly adolescent rebelliousness. One thing we don't share, of course, is your marvellous climate. Has Man- agua a beach? We must meet there soon to chew over the above points.

Yours, etc. (Peter Norman) Esteemed Sir,

Greetings from the banks of the Thames to the Pacific coast of Central America. London welcomes and honours its new friends. As a measure of the value we attach to this new step in international understanding we enclose a portrait of Dick Whittington, a token portfolio of gilt-edged securities, and an architect's sketch of the Palumbo Tower. Alas, we are not enjoying good weather in prospect for our

(E.L. Bellwringle) famous Wimbledon tennis tournament; perhaps in future we can arrange to hold it in your peaceful, sunny climate?

Senor, Your Central American friends salute you and wish that you can persuade your North Amer- ican friends to see reason. We attach to this letter a copy of their Declaration of Independ- ence. Pleases convey our fraternal wishes to Comrade Livingstone. We regret that all land in our capital is needed for the people and cannot be spared for tennis matches. We should be pleased at any time to welcome Londoners who only know Nicaragua from their newspapers. We have realised your share portfolio and bought a hospital bed.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)