YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. How can one prevent people from ring- ing up and asking, 'Can I pick your brains?' I am a specialist bookseller. I have read an enormous number of biographies and let- ters and people know that I have a highly retentive memory. I don't often mind, but occasionally I feel rather resentful when people — especially young journalists and writers whom I have never even met — ring me up for information. Some of them are so arrogant they seem almost to expect me to virtually write the stuff for them just for the pleasure of hearing them say, 'Thanks, that's great,' as they put the telephone down. How can I say, 'No, do your own research' without seeming crabbed?
Name withheld, W1 A. Why not start banging your fist on your desk or table when such people ring you up? Then you can interrupt your callers as they begin to warm to their spiels by saying, `I'm sorry — do you mind if I say I don't feel very inspired at the moment? We've got builders in and I really won't be able to think at all until they've left.'
Q. Some years ago, a very decorative piece of exterior moulding fell down from the frieze around my neighbours' house
(almost killing me). As the house was unoc- cupied I retrieved the moulding and over the years it has become an essential compo- nent of a rather pretty grotto in my garden. My problem is that I now have new neigh- bours who have done up their house and there is a conspicuous gap in the frieze where 'my' piece of moulding should belong. As I am now good friends with the newcomers, how can I avoid their noticing the contraband when they have drinks in my garden, which is planned any day now?
J.S., W8
A. Lead your neighbours out into the gar- den — show them the grotto and moulding and reveal to them that you had a tug of conscience about giving it back to them. You can afford to be perfectly honest
because, in fact, it would be cheaper and easier for a builder to take a cast from your moulding to produce a new one to fill in the frieze than for him to try and remount the original unsafe one.
Q. Every time I listen to television or radio these days I hear people from all walks of life saying 'wan' instead of 'one'. I find this deeply annoying but perhaps I have missed out on some new development in vocal eti- quette. Is it now correct to say 'wan'? I do hope not.
KM., Oxford A. No, it is not correct. What has happened is that when broadcasters who hail from the north of England have to modify their regional accents for reasons of nationwide clarity 'wan' is the last thing to go. Such people then speak 'BBC English' peppered with `wans' and the habit has spread insidi- ously among the mentally passive. One as in won — is still correct.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, please write to 'Dear May The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London, WC1N 2LL
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