Sapphic savvy
Petronella Wyatt
There has been the predictable politically-incorrect fuss about the Tories selecting an openly lesbian millionaire, Margot James, as a parliamentary candidate. The choice of Ms James prompted one male commentator to remark, 'Were there really no Conservatives available?'
Personally. I would have thought that a lesbian was a perfect choice as a Tory candidate. Ms James comes from a minority group. So do we Conservative supporters. Moreover Ms James, judging from her photograph, is from yet another minority — the attractive, youngish, well-turnedout woman. Actually, she hails from a third, even more covetable minority — she rakes in the chips like a croupier.
And why can't a lesbian be a Conservative, in any case? Lesbianism goes back to ancient Greece, after all. Nobody minded then. As Cole Porter lyricised: 'As Madame Sappho in some sonnet saidlA slap and a tickle/Is all the fickle male/Ever has in his head.'
Admittedly, Porter was a homosexual but he was a conservative, too. On one occasion he threw a man out of one of his lunch parties for wearing brown shoes. This would of course spell the end of Kenneth Clarke as an MP, but many Tories have complained that he ought to be in the Labour party, anyway.
As a woman I really cannot get worked up about lesbians — in any sense. The only lesbian I have ever met was attractive, charming and elegant. My only objection to her was that she insulted me — by failing to make a pass. She did not even, when I asked her, pass me the salt.
In any case I simply cannot take lesbianism seriously. The lesbian is, in my view. quite different from the homosexual. While the homosexual has affairs with men because his sexual drive compels him to do so, most lesbians turn to women after becoming disillusioned with the male sex. Either their marriages have failed, their men have treated them badly, they cannot find a lover, or in some cases their lovers have turned out to be homosexual.
Lesbians are generally not promiscuous, either. This is because their primary impulse is emotional. I really do not believe that sex plays a great part in it at all. This, incidentally, was the view of Queen Victoria, who refused to sanction a law against lesbianism on the grounds that there was very little two women could do.
Most lesbian relationships are not much more than an extension of the intense crush on the games mistress. The woman I referred to earlier, incidentally, became engaged to a man soon after meeting me. Yes, I know, could the two be connected? She is happily married and has three children. What could be a better example of family values?
I understand the heterosexual male's intense distaste for homosexuality. They imagine the thing being done to them and dislike the idea heartily. But I fail to see why any man would regard a lesbian as a threat.
Lesbians tend not to march up and down, proselytise, or throw up obnoxious spokespeople such as Peter Tatchell. In any case most of the men I know are tremendously excited by the idea of lesbianism and, with typical male conceit, are convinced they can 'turn' any one of them. In most cases of which I have heard, this turns out to be true.
As an addendum, all the fabled lesbians — Marlene Dietrich, Mercedes de Costa, Garbo, Katharine Hepburn, Edna Ferber — were among the most shining lights of the last 100 years. Many of them were bisexual — which proves my earlier point — and at some stage in their lives had husbands and families. Moreover, they looked and dressed as the antithesis of the usual dreary and unappealing female Tory candidate. Come on, Mr Howard, lesbians are go.
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