Diary of Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY What can I say?! Happiness and General Wellbeing levels through roof! Dave is the greatest! We're definitely going to win in 2009!! But more importantly, I have been seconded on to the Brown Attack Unit!
Am at centre of fevered preparations ahead of PMQs involving cut-throat political strategy. So far have come up with Great Clunking Cowardy Custard and Big Fat Miserable Loser. For some reason, neither of these seem to have made it on to Jed's shortlist of insults to be hurled across dispatch box by Dave, but there's time yet. Have never seen Gids so happy. He's commissioned limited-edition flock wallpaper with the words 'I Told You Gordon Was Crap!' in fancy lettering. So glad it came right for him in the end. To think we all had to brief that rubbish about being frightened!
DD not convinced, of course. Lots of safari metaphors about not poking a wounded lion until you're sure he's dead. He can be such a party pooper.
Heaps of nice letters from candidates. All of them retracting their requests for Dave not to visit them during an election campaign. So moving.
TUESDAY Knew the elation couldn't last. This morning awoke to truly terrible crisis staring at me from every newspaper. Where on earth am I going to get £950 to buy a Nancy Bag? Asked Daddy over breakfast, but he said he didn't care if they were regulation issue for Tory-girls-about-town, he's not spending his dwindling pension on a lot of Smythson overpriced nonsense.
Felt really down all day. Thought it was the bag situation, but then noticed everyone was like it. Jed says it's Phantom Election Syndrome. All that excitement, the preparations, the trial launch — and then nothing.
Sherwood our lifestyle guru is giving us extra helpings of ginseng tea. Suggested to Nigel that free issue of Nancy Bag for all female staff could be just the morale boost we need! He told me to go and talk to Lord Ashcroft.
WEDNESDAY Am in turmoil. Poppy came in with The Bag on her arm! Clearly had to do something so went to Bond Street at lunchtime. Told the woman I was a personal friend of Sam's and had come to collect my free bag. How was I supposed to know that's what everyone's been saying? Apparently I was the 17th female employee from CCHQ to get thrown out on to the pavement this week. Not very Compassionate.
On a lighter note, have had breakthrough with PMQs preparation — Gutless Gordon! Am now speechwriting genius and central cog in machine. Was even called in to take notes for Jed and Gary at a non-election planning meeting! Must say, found it ally confusing. Don't see why we would want to spend the next two years subtly refining our tax-cutting commitments until we are back to where we started. But Jed seems to think we need a detailed plan to achieve just this. Suppose I'll end up doing it THURSDAY Was desperate so went back to shop in deep disguise. Big blonde wig, mummy's Chanel jacket and dark glasses. Worked like a dream. She just appeared and came running up to me: 'I know you! You're that woman from off the telly! Cassaaaaandrah! Get this lady a —ing bag!' Don't know who she thought I was or why she was talking like a Cockney, but who cares. Am proud owner of this season's must have Compassionate Conservative accessory in softest calf's leather. Hooray!
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