No. 538: The winners

Trevor Grove reports: In Rosencrantz and Gui!- denstern Are Dead the eponymous heroes are shown in conversation with each other during the periods that they are off stage in Hamlet. Competitors were invited to submit extracts from the conversation of two secondary charac- ters in any other Shakespeare play. What was re- quired was something in the `How Many Child- ren Had Lady Macbeth?' line—revelations of the more or less. intriguing private lives behind the more or less anonymous public appearances. Here's an example from Martin Fagg, who wins three guineas : ENOBARBUS 'Twas pity, lady, that thy maiden

charms Failed thus my erstwhile master to ensnare; For .then the fabric of his new.-weft pact With princely Caesar would not now be ripp'd; Nor would this globe be wrench'd . between the twain, Who in the fume and tussle of their strife May on the quaking minions of their train Pull universal wreck.

OCTAVIA How innocent Thou art! For know, I never lov'd thy lord, Who would, I wist, to his ripe gypsy ()peen Right soon return. My traffic with him was Mere ruse to give my brother countenance For wreaking war. 'Tis thee, sweet Enobarb, For whose uncouth and bristly clasp I yearn, 'Tis thee alone of all men that I crave. At once unbrace and let thy mettle speak!

ENORMOUS Desist, 1 pray thee, madam— (Exit

Enobarbus pursued by Octavia)

Showing even more freedom from his ori- ginal, W. J. Webster has produced a delicious fantasy which -wins him five guineas: ‘,

Two of the witches in 'Macbeth' (the third is gathering rosebud lips).

FIRST WITCH We did spin once, sister.

SECOND WITCH Ay, sister, and threaded out great lives.

FIRST On my line brave Achilles danced. SECOND Hector on mine until at Homer's nod I snapped it.

FIRST But now— SECOND NOW—

FIRST Now, where's dignity? We crouch like toads on quaggy heaths- sEcorin And sinter every blast of heaven— thunder, lightning.

FIRST Fog and rain. And wherefore? Why to put on peepshows fOr these loose-brained Scotchmen!

sECOND.. 'Tis more than bearded weirds can bear.. Sister, how shall we be revenged?

FIRST Our reeking hell-brew gives us answer, sister. Come, let's with a curse call blight on Scottish appetites, derange all native taste. From this day forth their fare shall be what other men find foul. We'll scotch their eggs, make slab their broths— SECOND Shake horses' victuals in their breakfast pots— FIRST And so stop up their senses that they'll smack their lips at entrails. Macbeth did call us haggish: his kind shall eat his words here- after.

Competitors who suspect they may have writ- ten better parodies of Shakespeare should recall that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern is, after all, written in modern English. Someone who did (and most successfully) was Andrew Duncan- Jones, but the final three guineas go to J. R. V. White for an authentic glimpse of court life in Alexandria: CHARMIAN 'Fore God, has, the queen bath al- ready hopp'd forty paces through the streets. Will she neer lie still?

nuts Nay—she may stillhe by her Antony, but she will ne'er lie still by such a proper man; nor wouldst thou neither. Tomorrow she will swear she loves him not.

CHARMIAN Then will she lie by her faith. IRAS She hath none but to herself.

CHARMIAN So may she lie by herself. Heigh-hot I am all awearied with banquets and barges and billiards. This will be the death of us all, an' it continue so.

IRAS Thou bast a swelling of the ankles. Lave them in asses' milk and then thou wilt be able to hop too.

CHARMIAN A flea may do as well. Would that Antony were back in Rome!

IRAS Then would'st thou serve a tigress. Better an ankle swoll'n than an eye blacken'd.