Dave and Osama have more in common than you might think
HUGO RIFKIND They are both sons of privilege, and by all accounts each had a fairly wild youth. Eventually, both found political conviction. At a certain kind of dinner party, a certain kind of woman will talk, spellbound, about their soulful eyes. Both started with an impressive bang, but both subsequently seem to have somewhat come off the rails. Oh, and one more thing. Both appear to derive a surprising amount of support from doctors.
If only on paper, and if only in some respects, the similarities between Osama bin Laden and David Cameron are remarkable. Aren't they? Let us put the differences, in terms of bombing, innate evil and beards, for a time, to one side. Had Osama a different, less evil message to spread, do we not think he would swap his barren cave walls and AK47 for a Poggenpohl kitchen and a sinkful of dirty washing? Both understand the value of presentation, and both have a flair for it. Both are in a rut.
Could a reshuffle work for Osama? Probably not. He seems to have had quite a few already. For a while last year, wasn't 'alQa'eda's Number Two' being blown up or captured in Baghdad or Kandahar about once a fortnight? Think of the havoc that must have caused with management. Ah, Number Three? I think you are due a promotion."Who, me? Nah, guy. I'm Number Five at most. Fourth equal maybe. You want that bloke over there. Him with the big target on his back.' Cue sound of feet scurrying down a stone passageway, probably in sandals.
We don't tend to think of international terrorism from the terrorists' perspective. Perhaps it would be a comfort. We would realise that, from Osama's point of view, things aren't going terribly well. If September the 11th was supposed to be a clarion call for jihadis across the world, it doesn't seem to have worked out so well. The subsequent bombings of Bali, Madrid and London were successes, but aren't a lot to show for seven years' hard graft. How has he been spending his days? Iraq helps on paper, but there is a limit to the amount one can take credit for the mistakes of others. It would be like Cameron taking the credit for the existence of John Prescott.
Bin Laden and Cameron are in the same boat. (Not a boat I'd take a trip on. Too many reasons for the French secret service to sink it.) There are real parallels between the difficulties they face, and the reasons why they are facing them. I didn't just lump them together so I could make that quip at the beginning about doctors. (Tcha! As if . . . ) Bin Laden was driven, initially, by an idea with some wider appeal. In a nutshell, and to sanitise his philosophy in a thoroughly north London dinner-party sort of way, he felt that Western intervention in the Middle East had not, invariably, worked for the best, and that this was a problem.
At this point, his potential support base was pretty broad. Where he went wrong was in his proposed solution, viz: the murder of the infidel, universal holy war, and the establishment of a fundamentalist Sunni global caliphate. This, most would agree, is a bit much. In private, even John Pilger probably thinks so.
Still, some support will have stuck around, just to see if he could pull it off. Then holy warriors started opening their eyes and finding themselves still on the District Line, but now with slightly charred rucksacks. Then nothing, for two years. Then, men who have spent a full seven years in higher education drive into an airport, apparently under the impression that they can blow it up with a barbecue kit. It doesn't look good. 'Look here, Osama,' even some zealots will be thinking, 'We're all for an oppressive global caliphate, and we're not too fussed about the murder of the infidel. But this isn't working. You are making us a laughing stock. Frankly, chum, you are shaming us up.' Even if they haven't lost faith in his vision, in other words, they must be losing faith in his ability to deliver it.
David Cameron's initial vision, too, had broad appeal. Environmentalism, hugging poor people, not wearing a tie. Lovely stuff. As with Osama, some will have been immediately put off by his overall plan, viz: kick out the government, elect me and my mates. Others, though, will have stuck around, to see if he could pull it off.
Now, actually quite suddenly, it begins to look as though he cannot. Grammar schools. A wavering party core. Tax proposals verging on the bizarre (7p on the pint? — yeah, that'll win them over). And even the zealots begin to mutter. 'Look here,' they say. 'This isn't working. You are making us a laughing stock. Frankly, chum, you are shaming us up.'
The tie business, though. That had legs. If David Cameron went tomorrow, that is how we would remember him — the man who killed the British tie.
Jeremy Paxman turned his fire on the tie last week, in that slightly surreal, ponderous way he occasionally has, of sounding like a newly arrived alien dignitary. (A pizza, you call it? And it comes in a box? Preposterous!') Why, he demanded on his BBC blog, do men still bother? 'It seems to me,' he wrote, `the only people who wear the things daily are male politicians, male reporters who interview them and dodgy estate agents.'
Ignoring, for a moment, the existence of schoolteachers, schoolchildren and almost anybody who works in anything to do with law, banking, or the armed forces, Paxo does have a point. The tie is on the way out. Aged 30, I own four ties, and I have had two of them since I was a teenager. Even Jon Snow apparently agrees, and most people in Britain only know him as `the bloke with the ties'.
This leaves us with a problem. If the quintessential British male no longer apes James Bond, whom does he ape instead? You have to pay close attention to your tailoring, going tie-less. Top button open, and you can veer towards the Ahmadinejad. Top button closed, it is all a bit Rain Man.
Snow suggests we adopt the collarless shirt. I'm not keen, myself. I'm never sure how many buttons to do up on that, either. Also, depending on the colour, you can all too easily look like an off-duty vicar, magician or dentist. So maybe that just leaves us with the kaftan. Any takers? Dave?
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