SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 141

Report by D. R. Pet*

The usual prizes were offered for a testimonial to a product for curing an addiction to Football Pools, Writing to the Press, Gardening, Literary Competitions, the Opposite Sex, Work.

It was unfortunate that the terms of reference of this competition did not read ". . . the Opposite Sex or Work." This was the intention, and it was recognised by the majority of entrants, but, had any of those few who testified to a panacea for all six vices reached prizewinning standard, I should have felt compelled to reward them.

Generally speaking, I preferred those entries which specified the nature of the cure, and these were many and varied. Algebra for pools (H. A. C. Evans), weed-planter for gardening (Ella Mills), rubber spade for gardening (E. J.), while for the opposite sex Admiral Sir W. M. James recommended "Anti-S.A. lenses" and B. Warburton " Whifferoo—the man's tobacco." I can, however, assure C. A. C. Davis that competition-setting is no cure for com- petition-entering; aegrescit medendo. Again in the competition field, I will admit I felt a little wistful at Allan M. Laing's assertion that he had exchanged his typewriter for a down-payment on a TV set. And Pendexter's poetic testimonial, while excellent, was not quite what was wanted.

Some addicts had cured their craving by falling for other habits— notably P. M. (literary competitions): "I now spend the week-ends on fobtball pools, overtime, writing complaining letters to the Press, improving the rockery, and cultivating female acquaintances." Also M. W. Gray (pools): "Ten years ago my friends slipped into my drink some Psychaloids, the wonder cure for obsessions. . . I turned at once to more intellectual pursuits by ordering the Spectator. For the last ten years I have sat at my desk each night, gibbering happily over the competition." I wish I had sufficient space for quotations from other amusing entries, including those from Joan Pickford, Douglas Hawson, H. V. S. Page, D. B. Wardle, Ena Austen, Rosebud and, in particular, the runners-up, Edward Blishen and E. Knott. I suggest that E. P. Stanham be awarded a first prize of £2, and that D. L. L. Clarke, Joyce Johnson and Eric Swainson receive £1 each.

• PRIZES (E. P. STANHAM) To Messrs. Allergic Products, Ltd.

Dear Sirs, I feel I must write and tell you what a success your mammoth " Anti- Poolite " kit has been. For many years I spent as much as Is. a week on football pools, but the new interests given me by your kit now leave me no time for them.

The striped jersey, cloth cap, shinguards and studded boots fit me a treat, and I always prune my roses in them. I have fretworked some really nice pipe racks and phato-frames from the wood you listed as goal posts. So far I can only get two notes from the whistle, but with some weeks' practice I hope to get the whole scale.

I am very pleased with the kit, but would be glad if you would tell me what the big round leather ball with a rubber bladder in it is for.

Yours faithfully, E. P. Stanham. (D. L. L. CLARKE)

Sir, I used tc be a slave to work. Since taking the prescribed doses of your estimable mixture, Nirvana, I have added to my former will not to work a total physical incapacity for any occupation whatever. If it would be of any assistance to your sales, I should be only too happy to be able to join your -staff in order to bear personal witness to the efficacy of your product. This, however, being, a fortiori, out of the question,. I intend to pursue a course which should achieve the same result. You will shortly receive a letter from my solicitor, who, in con- sultation with a fully accredited actuary, has estimated the loss to me at thirty years' salary : for this he suggests I sue you.

You may make whatever use of this letter you please. I should, in fact, appreciate your giving it the widest possible publicity.

(JOYCE JOHNSON) The following unsolicited testimonial is the verbatim report of a speech made by an ex-literary competitor, whose cure after a course of BLorro was so complete that he could no longer bring himself to take pen or pencil in hand.

"Sold my library after the first glass. Used the room as a cellar ever since. One of the best cellars too. Bung full of BLOTTO. Might've made something of that in the old days—best sellers into best cellar, if you get me. Shtay in bed Friday mornings jush as long as any other morning now. A man that waits for na Time and Tide—thash me ! Never look at a weekly these days—ignorance is blishen all that. Good Evans, I'm punning again—quick, ole man— another glass of BLOTTO to shtop the rot !

(ERIC SWAINSON)

Dear Sirs, I wish to expren my gratitude for your 865-page book, "Comparative Statistics and the Cautious Attitude." You have persuaded me that I have an undoubtedly greater chance of dying prematurely by war, riot, storm, flood, earthquake, fire, earth-subsidence, heart failure, street accident, falling down stairs, strangling, food poisoning, lightning or other Act of God, than I have of winning a first dividend on the pools. I have ceased to invest in them : my weekly half-crown is now paid to the life insurance agent.

Yours sincerely, I 2 X.

P.S.—A poor, misguided friend has won 05,000 on the "Treble Chance." I have advised him to buy your book, make his will, and to avoid war, riot, storm, flood, etc., as he wi,uiti the plague. •

P.P.S.—Have you any figures on the plague ?