DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY NIGHT Am in spare room at Dave and Sam’s! On ‘webcameron’ duty which means I have to follow leader everywhere, and help with that internet thingy he does. There’s a huge team of people here, fussing about. As Jed says, spontaneity doesn’t come out of thin air you know!
Did my first shoot today — ‘Dave makes granola-based breakfast while discussing health policy.’ Things got tricky when the false wall the builders put up down the middle of the kitchen to make it look pokier started flapping around like an old Crossroads set. Looked like we might have to abandon filming until I came up with a fab idea which everyone agreed would totally dumb things down. Unfortunately we had to scrap the first take, because a certain small person kept shouting out, ‘Daddy, why are we having breakfast in the laundry room?’ Tonight we all gathered around the cheap Formica table (took us ages to find one of these!) for a lasagne supper, and v jolly discussion about how we are not going to play politics with the NHS. All filmed for webcam and available to download right now!
TUESDAY Up at 5am checking house before our ‘Dave puts the kettle on’ shoot. Found a bottle of non-eco-friendly washing-up liquid, a Harvey Nicks carrier, a hunting sticker, a rack of Château Lafayette and a huge family-sized pack of Snickers. Showed my haul to Jed and he said, ‘Way to go Tammers, you’ve saved our bacon with that lot.’ Am now officially a trusted member of the Inner Circle!
Made a short film of Dave putting a note out for the milkman, while discussing prison numbers. Not very intimate, but there you are. It’s a wrap! WEDNESDAY
How tedious. Back in office and forced to mix with the OC (outer circle). Everyone tetchy about polls (if they were on the inside track, they’d know that this is so not ‘Big Picture’).
DD has begun preparations for a snap election. Poppy took me to have a look at his ‘Operation G Force’ battle room. Huge table covered in green felt with little men and tanks all over it and DD with a broom sweeping them off the table. ‘He will attack us on this flank first ... then move in on the main target... ’. He swept all the soldiers off the table until only one was left. ‘Looks like it’s down to General Davis to save the party — again!’ Then he smashed his soldier down on top of the heads of all the opposing soldiers and started making gun noises. At which point Poppy said it was time to leave.
THURSDAY Just got lost and ended up in strange room in basement covered in charts. A lady sweeping the floor said, ‘Are you looking for Mr Luntz, dear?’ I know this means something, because someone at Dave’s house mentioned him, but it was during the lemon pudding, and was busy trying to work out whether it was home-made. So am clueless. You know, this Inner Circle business is trickier than it looks.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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