SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 8o Report by Richard Usborne They make

a very good dry Martini at the Palace Hole! in Guatemala City . . ." say.%the "I." character in The Man with a Scar, one of the stories in Here and There by Somerset Maughanz. Authors occasionally parody themselves. A prize of £5 was offered for not more than 50 words (each) in which the scene in Guatemala City is set by any three of the following authors: Rudyard

Evelyn Waugh, John Buchan, Sapper, Dorn ford Yates, James Thurber, Enid Blyton, Noel Coward, Peter Fleming, Ernest Heming- way.

I hadn't meant competitors necessarily to set the scene in the bar, or even in the Palace Hotel, so long as it was in Guatemala City. I'm afraid a number of people hobbled themselves putting, e.g Enid Blyton characters in among the hard liquors. • Jennifer Ramage was an easy winner. Her Dornford Yates is a little gem. £4 for her, and £1 for C. J. Richards. Honourably mentioned, M. M. C.

Here are some of the better offerings for each author, KIPLING.—Stallard settled himself in the best armchair and sum- moned the grinning Perez. He cast a stony eye on the local pecan, and ordered his own kind of drink. Then he turned to me. "Out of regard for Bates Sahib," he said, "and your immortal soul, I will tell you about my Guatemala. . . ." M. M. C.) Away in Guatemala City, 0 Best Beloved, almost entirely sur- rounded by prickles and hurnpty stands the Palace Hotel. . . (Frances Collingwood.) In the streets of Guatemala Where the squint-eyed Injuns sit, There's a bitter smell of cawfeet And a cryin' need o' Flit ; But Fd swap the Derby winner and a dentist's yearly pay For a chicle-chewin' maiden in a bright-hued serape.

- (Douglas Hawson.) Tehua wriggled his brown toes discontentedly in the dust. In Guatemala a boy of fourteen considers himself a man, and Tehua was tired of helping his mother to crush maize and measure out frijoles. Moreover, he was a mestizo. . . . (Elaine Morgan.) BOCHAN.—. . . and four of us were doing full justice to the barman's expertise. We were all youngish men, who had been leading queer lives in the remoter corners of the globe, and we had been brought together now by one of those freaks of chance which have some- times changed the course of history. (H. A. C. Evans.) Now I had reached Guatemala City I felt no doubt of the thoroughness of my disguise._ I wore an American suit, a very American hat and horn-rimmed glasses. My grey hair was dyed a dark brown. I stepped confidently forward. A little man in a white suit accosted me, "Good morning, General Hannay," he said.... (J. Aitken.) SAPPER.—Hugh Drummond sauntered up the steps of the Palace Hotel and into the room where that delectable establishment serves Its liquid refreshment. He eventually anchored himself at the bar beside a tall, languid youth.

"What's that poison, Algy ? " he enquired. (N. Moore.) DORNFORD YATES.—My lady tuned to me great grey eyes, surveying my face. A little hand came to rest on my knee. "They make," said I, "a fair dry Martini at the Palace Hotel." Gravely, she nodded. _" Carson can keep watch over the coupes tonight," said I. "There's no danger in Guatemala." (Fiona Mouat.) ENID BLYroN.--Gua-tem-ala City is a fun-ny name, isn't it It has a very wick-ed hotel, where no-one ever buys nice spark-ling lem-on-ade. . (Edward Blishen.) Mavis leapt out onto the platform at Guatemala Station, followed more sedately by another girl of her own age. A lady in a flowered dress came forward, and Mavis flung herself into her arms. "Oh, Mummy," she cried. "It's smashing to see you. Here's Judy. We'll have a smashing holiday ! " (J. Aitken.) "Uncle Merry," saia Janet nervously—they had just killed a tarantula in the patio—" There are whale-sharks in the swimming pool at St. Josa.".. "Don't worry about old Rhinodon typicus," he reassured her. . . . (P. M.) "Well," said Uncle Desmond, "Here is the market. Keep in the shade, children. . . ." (Elaine Morgan.) PETER FLEMING.—Fresh from the jungle (if " fresh " is the word) we burst upon Guatemala City. We had among us neither a wide- brimmed straw hat nor a frogged pyjama jacket, both_ of which appeared to be de rigueur in Guatemala society. . . . (R. Kennard Davis.) HEMINGWAY.—He wheeled himself to the bar and got two martinis, dry, the way he liked it, and the way she liked it. They have people there who make good martinis. • She said, " Capitan, I wish to prepare for you the pheno-barbitone tonight. Do you permit ?

He said," I permit." (M. M. C.) , First Prize (JENNIFER RAMAGE) DORNFORD Yams: We had left Belize at six.

Now, from Belize to‘Guatemala the distance is three hundred miles.

As we slid into the town, a clock struck ten. . . .

"Guatemala City . . " breathed ManseL "And with time to

Spare..?'

Nature was smiling, and the city was clad in her finest array. ...

PEma FLEmiNG: There is probably a good deal to be said for Guate- mala City. Its policemith is charming. It boasts at least one navigable road. But it is not, on the whole, a town I should choose to visit again during a major earthquake on the third day of a minor revolution.

NOEL Cowan.

Lydia: I can't think why we came. There isn't a soul here one knows.

Charles: That's the whole point about Guatemala City.

Lydia: Skegness would have done just as welL Charles: On the contrary. I have an aunt in Skegness.

(Enter Leonora).

Leonora: Charles!

Charles: Good God!, Leonora!

Lydia: I told you we should have gone to Skegness.

Second Prize (C. J. RICHARDS) RUDYARD KIPLING: "Guatemala?" says Mulvaney. "Shure wasn't I there on leaf from Jamaikey wance with some av the bhoys ? All buck naygurs, Equality and Fraternity, ut was. And a foine-lookin' chi chi gurrl servin' Martineys at the Pallis Hotel. Bedad, Yer Honour, I wasn't always chelae-ing aiong the Grand Trunk Road."

JOHN BUCHAN : Cautiously I raised myself on to a packing-case and looked into the bar. Blenkinsop sat with his inevitable glass of milk, eating magnesia tablets. Opposite him was a bullet-headed man. "Donner wetter," I heard him mutter, "the wolves are howling after their prey." It was Von Wurst. Then the packing-case collapsed. ...

ENID BLYTON : Squiffy, the old gnome, was ezing enviously at the bottles in the Palace Hotel. "Squiffy," said Witch Coca Cola, "don't you touch those bottles." Squiffy crawled into the hotel and stole a Martini bottle. But Dame Coca Cola by her magic had turned it into paraffin. Squiffy never stole drinks again.