DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY A strange post-Manchester memo has arrived with a list of approved adjectives. I don’t know what was wrong with all the old adjectives but apparently we have to use new ones — ‘new’ is one of them, in fact. Poppy claims that ‘new’ is, in fact, old, which confuses me somewhat.
There are two pages of ‘words you may like to include when writing press releases and speeches for members of the front bench in future’. I know what ‘you may like to’ means around here, and it isn’t optional. Hey — I sound quite seasoned. Anyway the words are all stupid. I don’t know how I’m going to get them into my statement on bird flu. In the priority list are: ‘beautiful, lovely, brilliant, great, inspiring, amazing, modern and young’. Suggested phrases include ‘cleaner, brighter, greener’, whatever that means (I think it may be something to do with Caroline Spelman), while ‘caring and compassionate’ comes as standard, as does ‘change’, which has a suggested tally of 27 for a keynote address. Apparently, it’s all been scientifically worked out and will make people think we are all these things. How very odd.
TUESDAY
We were all ignoring them, but today we get a stern talking to for not obeying the guidelines. An internal audit called Adjective Watch has been launched. Nigel says we must all show we are changing and orders us to start using the ‘lift’ words in our everyday speech. He tells me, ‘Tammy [I hate it when he calls me that], go and get me a lovely latte from the inspiring Starbucks coffee outlet downstairs.’ Poppy says I should tell him to stuff his lovely latte.... Anyway, will do no such thing. There is a mini reshuffle of personnel going on and futures are being decided. V. important.
WEDNESDAY
I have done so well on bird flu — which is not lovely — I am to be moved permanently to the agriculture brief. I know this is meant as a promotion but for some reason it feels like something else. Is it me, or is working for an obscure MP on farming and fisheries a bit of an insult? No, it can’t be. Can it?
THURSDAY Poppy has got the home affairs brief. She gets to work with her hero DD and to spend the whole day on the phone to chief constables. Am starting to wish I had got all my facts wrong on flu vaccine. Then maybe I wouldn’t be working for a hairy MP called Julian something-or-other on the wellies-andmanure brief.
FRIDAY It turns out that I did get all my facts wrong on flu vaccine. Julian has had to ring round the entire lobby and brief them about the mistake. Of course we can’t get back those headlines about Britain running out of Tamiflu — oh, ha, ha, Poppy — which is ‘set to spark nationwide panic and bring the entire country to a halt’. But Julian says not to worry, it could happen to anyone, and asks if I would like to go for a drink in Soho tonight. He is such a gentleman! Meanwhile, my gorgeous tabloid paramour has not called for two whole days. Neither ‘brilliant’ nor ‘modern’.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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