" Spectator" Conference for Personal Problems

Feeling Confused

[The " Spectator " Conference offers to readers a service of advice on personal problems in which they would like impartial help. The Editor has appointed a committee, the members of which are themselves engaged in the practical work of life ; in one way or another they have met, and are meeting, a great variety of problems in their own experience. They do not wish to be regarded as authorities; but they give. their good will and their knowledge to all questions which are referred to them. Readers' inquiries are dealt with in strict confidence ; they are seen only by members of the Conference, and they arc answered by private correspondence. Letters should be addressed to the Conference on Personal Problems, di() The " Spectator," 13 York Street, Covent Garden, W.C. 2.]

Tnu most distressing of all moods is confusion. Under its power we feel helpless and weak : we are entirely without bearings. At times we feel as if we were storm-tossed ; and at others as if we were torn in two ; and in both cases the pain grows from the feeling that there is nothing we can do. Most other moods—joy or anger, love or hate—have something to commend in them : they can drive us to action and they almost force us to take notice of the world around us. But confusion is permanently useless. It withdraws us from

contact with reality and life. In its acuter forms this " dis- tance " may even reflect itself in the appearance of the external world. We seem to live in a mist : the people and the objects around us are vague and dreamlike. We are removed into a miserable, subjective muddle of feeling.

Ldbniz graded the whole realm of spiritual beings in accor- dance with the clarity of their perceptions ; the lowest were

those whose perceptions were the most confused. There can be no doubt that the psychological ground for this gradation was that in himself he recognized how disastrous and stupefying

the mood of confusion had always been ; he wished for a clear-cut, bright and discriminated universe. There are many states of emotion in which the underlying basis is this feeling of confusion. It plays its part in all embarrassment. It is well marked in procrastination and indecision. Fear and anxiety are most destructive when they are combined with confusion.

The mood can perhaps be seen at its highest in social embarrassment. We have often seen men and women who are so self-conscious, so anxious over the impression they are

making, that when they come into a room, everything they do is undignified and awkward. They trip over carpets, upset cups of tea, or, at the least, sit in stiff and clumsy positions

and fear all the time that they will make some mistake which will draw everyone's attention. When they go out they walk with a hesitating air, wondering to themselves whether their exit is well managed. They look over their shoulders to see whether their inefficiency is being noticed. They fumble at

the door-knob as if they were in a dream, and cannot even say. " Good-bye " without suspecting that they have said it in an ungracious manner.

Other people who have just the same sense of confusion show it only by an air of dignity and aloofness. They never join in general conversation. If there is a circle round the fire, their chairs are drawn a little further away than other people's. When they are questioned, they answer slowly and precisely, but they themselves never take the initiative. The fact is

that they are terrified lest their lack of intelligence should be observed. They feel that every remark they make should

be brilliant and striking ; and as they cannot trust themselves to be at their best they reserve their remarks altogether. Perhaps when they have left the company they think of the stupid things that others have said and the witty replies they could have made themselves. Everyone else in comparison seems to have been very silly, but their own secret wit or their own profundity remains unrevealed.

The state of confusion cannot be wished away or argued away. It must be broken. It demands an act. It is true

that the very sign of confusion is that we are not clear what it is best to do or • say. We must therefore set ourselves, on the spur of the moment, to what seems theupproximate best. No doubt our actions willoften turn out to have been mistaken.

At the worst, however, they were better and more honourable than indecision ; and, moreover, we have given ourselves the opportunity of learning better. Dr. Alfred Adler has beauti- fully compressed this advice in his maxim : " Dare to be imperfect."

To attain presence of mind, one of the highest human pre- rogatives, we must perpetually learn from mistakes. The man who is willing to be a good human being should make it a point of honour not to be problematic to himself ; to compel himself out of his confusion as soon as he feels himself in it. He is then learning to conduct himself as a healthy, normal, independent and dignified human being.

If he cannot find a solution by himself, let him go round and see if others can help him. There are many people who think it undignified to ask for help in solving their problems. It is far more undignified to remain helpless and bothered. The man who has taken it as a point of honour to act dearly and to know his own nature will easily bring himself to dis- cover in what ways his fellow-men can help him. He will not feel humiliated by asking them for their good will. He has the dignity of a man who is making every effort to keep himself clear in spirit and decisive in act ; and to attain that end there is no means which is undignified.

A question and reply will perhaps illustrate this more than abstract discussion :—

" I am very shy and diffident. When I find myself in com- pany I am frightened of the other people I meet. I have nothing to say to them. It seems insolent to ask them questions about themselves, and it seems assertive to talk about myself. The result is that I must be very dull and uninteresting. But I feel this is not within my control. My mind really becomes a blank. I hate to fail or be second-rate, even if it is only I myself who know that I have been second-rate. I can give you an example. Sometimes a young friend of the family comes to see us. He is a nice and bright boy ; but he seems only to be interested in mechanics, engineering and cricket. He belongs to a different generation, and I always feel that I have nothing to say to him. I hate to be left alone with him because I am sure he must despise me. So I sit and say nothing at all ; and he looks very awkward, too, and soon makes an excuse to go of again. This causes me a lot of pain and embarrassment, and I should like to know what to do about it."

The first suggestion we would make is a piece of downright and absolutely confident advice. It is that when you are in company you should make it of supreme importance to break down the barriers between yourself and the rest of the company. Never mind about being interesting. Do not be shy of asking them questions about themselves. It is not so hard to speak to them as you think, if only•you will not try immediately to say something brilliant and interesting. Leave that to occur when there is a chance for it. Our advice is quite unconditional : Speak to them of (1) weather and politics; (2) incidents of the day's work, (3) their own jobs, (4) anything you have been reading We are sure that you have not sufficiently realized that you have your own experience of life, and that it gives you something to talk about that will interest anybody.

This answers, too, in the particular example you give u.s. Why should a young visitor be the only one to decide what is interesting and what is not ? You are as justified in being bored by him as he would be in being bored by you. It is true that young people are often inconsiderate and self-centred. They have not yet learned to be deeply concerned in other people's affairs. But you will be astonished to find that if you put yourself to a little effort everyone is far more willing to be pleased than you ever imagine.

When we advise you to make an effort like this, we don't mean that you should worry yourself still further. Take your human contacts with ease and grace. Don't consider them as so important. Don't believe that you are worse than other people. You will find yourself then with a' great amount of free energy which was tied up before in discomfort and in the feeling that you could not shine or meet other people naturally.

ALAN PORTER.