• The last word

AFTERTHOUGHT JOHN WELLS

The final shell- and bomb-shattered days of madness and despair in the Fiihrees Bunker in Berlin have hitherto remained wrapped in an impenetrable obscurity. The recent publication of certain letters in England between R. Maud- ling and H. Wilson has, however, led indirectly to the discovery in Germany of a charred bundle of correspondence, which brings fresh evidence to light on the state of mind of disaster-struck men in a condition of deep and helpless shock.

Berlin, 20 April, 1945 Mtn Fiihrer

During my recent unavoidable absence from the Reichshauptquartier owing to the suddenly exploding bomb which myself (unfortunately)" into the icy waters of the Spreekanal propelled has, was I tragically not in a position, your in- spired extempore speech on the ultimate and inevitable triumphant vindication of your vic- torious policies to overhear. It has however come into my ears that certain not entirely flattering observations may have been mad namely that I was a Pigdog and a Horse's Bot4; tom and that during my tenure of the ss High Command.I have made in a pessimistic manner plans for the defence of the Fatherland on sacred German soil. I beg the Ftlhrer's assur- ances that such ignoble allegations are entirely without substances.

Heil Hitler!

Heinrich Himmier, Reichsfiffirer ss

Berlin, 20 April, 1945

Mein liebor Fleinil

Rest assured that my mind of such impure and unworthy thoughts constantly innocent re- mained has. I may from time to time perhaps have observed that disloyal elements of the German High Command in the past such pig- like thoughts may have harboured, but of yout own personal devoted blindness I am more than ever convinced.

Your trusted friend, Adolf

Berlin, 21 April, 1945

Mein Fiihrer!

Thanks to the paper-thin quality of my emergency sleeping cubicle, not to mention the enormous hole therein created by the bursting of a highly explosive shell during the small hours, I was distressingly unable, your noc- turnal speech to Fraulein Braun on the subject of my alleged defence plans and moral resem- blance to a Bubonic Hippopotamus and Syphili7 tic Sumprat not to overhear. I can only say that I hold such sentiments for deplorable and must demand your immediate retraction from FrAtt- kin Braun, not to mention your good self, otherwise 'I will find no alternative but to publish our correspondence in the Stiirmer.

Heil Hitler!

Heinrich Himmler, ReichsfUhrer ss Berlin, 22 April, 1945 Mein Lieber Heini!

It is not often that I find myself upon receipt of private correspondence under the necessity, an entire Zyrillord walltowall Axmtlnster com- plete with Spunjgummi Springback Foamitex to engorge. I am however a reasonable man. That you personally are totally innocent, not to say incapable of forming any such Bolshe- vik-inspired defeatist ,plans for the eventual defence of the Fatherland I am irrevocably convinced. That among the maggot-wriggling, scab-encrusted pack of traitors who surround you not one single diseased individual has stepped forward with some such scheme for creating widespread lack of confidence in my thousand year empire will I not believe. Never, never, never. Read for example Miffendorf Pilz, My Ninety Amusing Years, the journals of a man of pleasure under Frederick the Great. Read Arthur Birchermiisli, With Bats and Balls up the Eiger with Graf Bismarck and the Krefeld Augmented Revueorchester. Read Siegfried Ochsenfleisch-Untergurgl, 1 was Kaiser Willis Chambermaid. Read anything you like, but publish a single letter in the Stunner and I shall be forced to reconsider the final solution of the Himmlerproblem.

Your trusted friend, Adolf Berlin, 28 April, 1945 Heil Hitler!

Despite an almost uninterrupted fallout of dust, rubbles, and large pieces of ornamental masonry which has been coming through the so-called roof during your noble and resolute offensive action of the past few days, I have painstakingly and conscientiously studied the recommended literature. I particularly enjoyed the coyly-lubricious watercolour illustrations in the Ninety Amusing Years with Frederick the Great. I have however unfortunately found no single reference to any event after the year 1919. I assume therefore that my innocence, both of preparing any Bolshevik-defeatist plans for the defence of the Fatherland, and also of any re- semblance to any of the aforementioned un- pleasant zoological phenomena, herewith once and for all established is.

Heil Hitler!

Heinrich Himmler, Reichsfiihrer ss During the following thirty-six hours devasta- tion continued to rain down on the beleaguered Bunker. Three direct hits reduced the blast walls to rubble, and the Fiihrer appears to have with- drawn to a deeper shelter for the macabre cere- mony with Froulein 'Georgie' Braun. His end- less optimism however continued to sustain him in the conviction that his victorious policies would ultimately be crowned with success. Until the 30th.

Berlin, 30 April, 1945. By hand Mein lieber Heini!

I have just received my copy of the Stunner. You will, I know, understand my lack of re- luctance in ordering the summary execution of the editor and staff and the immediate publica- tion of the emended correspondence. And now please be so kind as to stick your stupid head one inch round the table and I will blow it off.

Your trusted friend, Adolf Berlin, 30 April, 1945. On the end of a long stick Heil Hitler!

Ya boo sucks. Shalln't. So there.

Heil Hitler!

Heinrich Himmler, Reichsfiihrer ss Berlin, 30 April, 1945. Rolled up in a little ball Mein lieber Heini!

Con come, this is no way for grown-up members of the master race to conduct politics. Please come out and say Heil to Adolf. Ach Gott verdammt noch mal I appear to have shot myself. Traitorous Pigdog kindly stand still in future.

(Dictated in the presence, but signed in the absence of) A. Hitler.