Testing time
Jeffrey Bernard
The Taller gave a party at the Ritz the other night and it looks as though it's going to be Parties all the way until Christmas Eve from now on. They're mostly pretty messy affairs, and for some reason or other people think it's quite all right to wafk up and interrupt you if you happen to be talking to someone well-known. The woman who waltzed up and barged in while I was attempting to talk a little business to Harry Evans has gone down on my list of people to be eliminated when I come to power. She Joins such notables as the Ayotollah Khomeini, Joseph Cooper, Robin Ray, Jill Tweedie and Ian Chappell. You see, the trouble is that persons such as the interrupting woman only come out drinking during the festive season, and I suggest such people Should have to pass drinking tests to obtain drinking licences, Year after year we have all witnessed what happens to secretaries at Christmas time when they go out on an office jaunt and consume quantities of rubbish like Advocaat, Southern Comfort and brandy mixed with Creme de Menthe — a drink, by the way, that should only be taken with the severest of hangovers.
Apart from the fact that vast numbers of these people make it nigh impossible for those of us who've been drinking all the year round to get served at the bar, these people pollute the pavements with vomit and the precious alir with shop talk that seems mostly to concern advertising with a liberal sprinkling of name dropping. At the Ritz, the Duchess of Argyll and I both agreed that this is very tiresome. Anyway, as I say, I think that drink licences should be introduced in this country as there's nothing quite so dangerous as a drunk in charge of a drink — if you see what I mean. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't all that much mind being an examiner. I suppost it would be rather like a driving test in many ways.
The examinee would turn up at the appointed hour and, like the driving examiner, the first thing I'd do would be to check up on the man's eyesight. 'Can you read that.pub sign for me over there?"Yes, it says "Duke of York, Charrington's Beers"."Good. Now I want you to walk along Old Compton Street with me and turn into the first decent-looking pub and order a drink. O.K.?' We set out and I take into account the nervousness of the man as he makes his first mistake and nearly walks into the horrendous 'Adiniral Duncan'. I tap him on the shoulder and he corrects himself and heads quite correctly into the 'Swiss Tavern! 'Right. Now I want you to walk up to the bar and order a round of drinks. Don't tap the bar with a coin or snap your fingers at the barman. Simply compel him with your presence to serve you immediately.' This is done and my man orders a large whisky for himself and a large vodka and tonic for me. So far he is doing well. No silly drinks — but, 'I think you've forgotten something,' I tell him. 'Oh yes, sorry. And a drink for whatever these gentlemen are having,' he says pointing to Charlie, Bookshop Billy, No-knickers Joyce, Julian the ponce and Fran kie. After a few more drinks with my man doing quite well, standing solidly, getting his shout etc, the time for testing him on the Saloon Bar Code arrives. He may well know that a car may not overtake on a humpbacked bridge but does he know how to conduct himself on life's battleground between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m.? 'Now I want you to give me an example of what you don't do in a pub."Well, you never buy a drink for the one person you know in a company and exclude the others."Good. Anything else?' 'Yes. If the guvnor allows you to stay after closing time you don't waste his time by drinking halves of bitter and you include him in every round."Good, Now I'd like you to tell me with what sort of attitude do you enter a pub?"Well, it's important to have a healthy contempt for money.' Quite right. Any taboo subjects?"Yes. Subjects not fit for conversation include golf, driving directions such as the best way to get from Watford to .Wolverhampton, your own unhappy childhood, what you did to the girl at the end of the bar last night, and the "good old days".'
By this time, my man has as good as passed. Of course, there would also be an advanced drinkers' licence which would involve a test spanning the entire day from 5 a.m. in Smithfield to throwing out time at Annabel's the following morning, but unfortunately there are very few beginners who can afford this very tiring test. If you happen to be one, please contact me.
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