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JANUARY 2007 As we await the coming of the Force of Darkness, work begins on election posters featuring Gordon as Darth Vader.

Tory coffers bulging in preparation for the fight, half a million raised in one evening at a party at Blenheim. Pol Roger champagne flowing and as much caviar as you can eat (for only £5,000!).

Back at HQ we launch our 'Live Life For Less' campaign, teaching poor people to be thrifty. We unveil plans to ban fast food, and clamp down on other 'social pollutants' such as Edward Leigh.

FEBRUARY A lot of nosy-parkers demand to know whether we are going to cut taxes. As we haven't the faintest idea, we are able to skilfully resist demands to formulate policy.

Meanwhile, after a spate of shootings in south London — wherever that is — Dave shows he has the answers to society's ills by pointing out that hardly anyone who guns down children on council estates is married. Mr Luntz in the basement with his funny dials says we've never been so popular.

MARCH The modernising continues apace as we apologise for slavery and move from our traditional home above Starbucks to Millbank. Dave gets a lot of stick for taking a plane from Oxford to Hereford. (Good job they didn't know about the helicopter ride to the airfield!) Plans for a strict flight allowance for holidaymakers causes huge upset and we have to get Dave's hair cut. While clever, no one could have predicted that the resulting 'Parting-gate' row would rage for weeks and see us shoot up in the polls!

APRIL We outline our vision for a Britain where everyone is civil to each other. Unfortunately there are claims that Gids once rolled a Hungarian count down a hill in a Portaloo, which is not all that civil, although it does put us in touch with the Asbo generation.

Shilpa Shetty and the lead singer from the Arctic Monkeys turn down our entreaties to be mayoral candidate.

And we get our very own TB-GB wars with Dave and Gids arguing like mad behind the scenes. If Jed could only see his way clear to swearing at reporters we would have an Alastair but he won't do it. Says it disturbs his chakra to blaspheme.

MAY Poor Mr Willetts has to be locked in the Panic Room with only felt-tip pens after his grammar schools gaffe. Who would have thought that the man with the biggest two brains in Britain could land us in so much mess?

Nevertheless, in voicing our intention to take forward city academies, we have assumed the mantle of Blairism! It is a great responsibility, and we all feel the hand of history on our shoulders. Oh yes.

A terrible mood of sadness descends as Mr Tony leaves office.

Mr Letwin doesn't help matters by getting all flustered about the Meaning Of Life and making the most incomprehensible speech ever. We put him in the Panic Room, too.

JUNE With the grammar schools row still rumbling it looks like we may have to sack the entire front bench and remove the whip from most of our MPs Thankfully a new communications director, former editor Gary, starts work and immediately sets about bringing some much-needed tabloid rigour to Tory operations. FairTrade coffee is banned in favour of station tea and organic mini muffins replaced with iced buns.

The Age of Gordon begins. He isn't all that good and everyone gets cross that they wound us up for nothing. We all decide to kick back a bit.

JULY Terrific excitement in Ealing where we are on course to win an historic by-election victory. Unfortunately our campaign chief, Little Mr Shapps, gets carried away. Plans for a herd of elephants to parade down Southall Broadway carrying our candidate Tony Lit have to be cancelled amid animal welfare concerns, and we never regain momentum. Mr Lit doesn't help himself by joining the Labour party.

Dave in trouble for visiting Rwanda while Britain flooded. Backbenchers in mutiny, letters being written demanding vote of no confidence. Will anything ever go right again? (Little did we know, everything was about to go Right!) AUGUST Plague and pestilence. All leave cancelled because of foot and mouth. Gordon hailed as genius. Dave is useless — it's official. Everyone gives up and starts to plan life outside politics. I ring the gallery and ask for my old job back.

Then, the weirdest thing happens. Mr Redwood proposes a swingeing package of tax cuts and everyone says we are brilliant. It is almost as if a supernatural power is at work. Nanu Nanu!

SEPTEMBER We lurch from left to right and back faster than Ellen MacArthur in a catamaran. One minute it's crime and tax, the next minute global poverty. Somehow, we unveil plans to charge shoppers to park at supermarkets. I book a history of art refresher course and Poppy starts night classes in edible jewellery design.

OCTOBER Salvation! Dave makes the most right-wing conference speech ever and rescues the party! Tax cuts, an end to immigration, harsh penalties for working mums who refuse to find a husband, a place at Eton for all children who can afford it....

And all while cleverly maintaining our modernising credentials by saying the words 'pissed' and 'Facebook'. We are going to win the next election! Oh, and Gordon is useless — it's official!

NOVEMBER Dave can do no wrong and even gets away with a joke about one-legged Lithuanians. Jonathan Aitken is appointed to our penal reform policy commission. Proof that prison works!

Right-wingery through the roof. We are clamping down on everyone from the workshy to hoodies. Upsetting at first. But gradually I'm coming to understand that Dave has to say these things to get elected. Once we get in, he can lurch to the left and do all the stuff we really want to do. I can't wait!

DECEMBER Personally, if I were Mrs Gibbons I would rather sit in a Sudanese prison for another week than have to listen to Sayeeda bang on about how brilliant she is. First-class cabin or not. Reminds me — must work out the carbon offset. Or do we bother with that now we're all Thatcherite free marketeers? Hard to believe we were ever being pulled through the snow by huskies, isn't it?!

Merry Christmas everyone! And a very Hard Right New Year, too!