Mr. Dooley in the Post-Dulles Era

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,-Twasn,t too good f'r th' bar,' admitted Mr. WAs a turrible year,' said Mr. Hennessy. nleY, 'but th' new cocktail lounge covered invistment. Th' gratest achavement of niodherun lib'ralism, Hinnessy, is wimmin dhrink- In in public.'

1 didn't mane th' business,' said Mr. Hen- nessy, reproachfully, '1 meant th' wurruld. Cod be with Misther Dulles, Raypublican an all as he was He wudn't have stud f'r this. Father /(cllY says . .

If Father Kelly says much more,' said Mr. °°leY, 'he'll lose young Kinnidy th' nominay- snui, '1 niver cared much f'r young Kinnidy,' said r. Hennessy. 'Wasn't his father somethin' to ' an with th' British?'

`Don't hold it aginst him:. said Mr. Dooley, ;11e Put up a sthruggle. Anyway, Hinnissy, ye're behind th' times. 'Taint th' British now, 'tis th' Reds.'

'What differ?' asked Mr. Hennessy sourly. 'Who was th' fur-rst to go to Moscow? Who teckYgnises Red China? Who goes in f'r socialist's meddycine? Who?'

Don't get excited,' said Mr. Dooley, 'I know who ye mane. The thrend iv yeer furrin policy Is Well known t' me. But I agree with ye, Hin- nssY, that the late Sicrety was a statesman of no ,svcnmon ordher whose achavements have placed n where we sta-and today. These achavements, glnaessy, ye cud aisily recite.'

Icud,'said Mr. Hennessy uncomfortably.

save ye th' thrubble,' said Mr. Dooley. lake th' Far East first, Hinnissy, as that is a r:reejun to which ye have devoted particklar t Intight an inerjy. 'Twas Misther Dulles who 1*.rst unleashed th' f'rocious Nashunalists aginst Red Chiny, Hinnissy, an' thin whistled them back before they cud explain why they ,Weren't goin'. Be this joodishus blind iv fir-rmness :IV flexibility th' infamous Red rayjeem was made to totther. It has now totthered into Tibet an tf it totthers on into Injah it will be soon `'esthroyed be th' wake-kneed an' threacherous, but noomerous and indispinsable, inhabitants iv that part iv th' free wurruld. Th' Rooshians were the nixt, Hinnissy, to fall victims to the sthratejy v th' gr-reat Sicrety. Be deprivin' thim of r-raw iss ig,,therials an' signtific informayshun he dhruv th',1111 to take refyooj in th' gin'ral direckshun iv b moon. Be the famous techneek iv the rowl- tek he thin wud have lib'rayted Cinthral oney th' Hungarrians, who were the vans that got rowled on. But 'twas in th' Neer East, Hinnissy, that me frind lawn, where another wud have put his fut in it, found a reel outlet for his talons.'

'He stud up t' th' British there, annyway,' mut- tered Mr. Hennessy.

'He tuk thim all on,' said Mr. Dooley. 'First was the Aijypshun Dictaythur. He wanted t' build th' Ossian Dam. "I'll lind ye th' money," sez Jawn. "All right," sez the Dictaythur, an' starts buildin'. "Who's yeer frind," s s Jawn thin, "th' wan I didn't see at Church 1ff Sunda?" "He's a Rooshian," says th' man fr'm Aijypt. "I dinnaw whither he'd know a Church fr'm a Moskew," says he, "but he's a great ha-and at irritatin' th' fields." "He irritates more than th' fields," says Jawn, "give me back me money." "How can I build th' dam so?" asks th' Gyp. "Ye spineless haythen," sez Jawn. "Can't ye see I'm out t' provoke ye into some wild an' scurrilous act that will prove yeer undoin'?" "All right so," sez th' Oreyental with a vill'nous laff, an' naturalises th' Sooz Canal, thus fallin', Hinnissy, ye see, into a carefully laid thrap. Into th' same thrap fall two of our loy'l allies, Sir Ant'ny Eden an' a Frinchman be th' name iv Molloy. Up comes Jawn : "What're ye doin' down there, me frinds?" he asks. "We're batin' th' daylights outa this Wog," says Sir Ant'ny, "or in more dippilo- matic language we are separatin' him from nig canal." "Aljeeree Frongsaze!" says Molloy, which is Frinch f'r th' same thing. "Have ye consid- hered," says Jawn, "th' effecks iv yeer action on th' dilicate sensabilities iv th' A-arab wurruld?" "Yis," says Sir Ant'ny. "Avec satisfactiong," says th' Frinchman. `"Twon't do," says Jawn. "Th' Nearly-Easthern expairts iv th' State Depar'ert- ment have now inforr-rm'd me that th' A-arab has a thraditional avairshun to bein' murdhered." And with that he hauls the two iv thim off an' tells the Gyp he'll spake to him afther school. An' that, Hinnissy, is how th' Rooshians were loored into th' fatal error of buildin' th' Ossian Dam, thereby ondherminin' their econyumy right down to th' South Pole. Ye can find th' whole story in Jawn Fosther's autobioggeraphy, written be a ma-an called Beal. I cudn't have told it betther mesilf.'

`Annyway; said Mr. Hennessy sulkily, 'he didn't ask that Crewchop home to tea. He didn't offer to go to Rooshia. As th' Mirror said, he was proof aginst th' subtle fugues iv Soviet dippilomacy.'

'Mebbe he was tone-deaf,' said Mr. Dooley. 'But ye're right, Hinnissy, in a way, an' I agree with ye up to a pint. As th' Protestant Ar-rch- bishop iv Cantherbury, England, said the other day, atomic war isn't th' worst that can befall on mankind, an' it'll be all th' same in a hundhred years annyway—except mebbe f'r th' number of ar-rms, legs an' heads per person li'ble to be worn be th' Hinnissies iv that ginerayshun.'

`Gawd between us an' all harm!' cried Mr. Hennessy.

`Th' throuble is, Hinnissy,' continued Mr. Dooley, 'that th' young people iv today cannot imyulate yeer stoic calm. They don't dhrink enough Fr one thing—more's th' pity—an' f'r another they've more t' lose. The result, Hinnissy, if ye follow me, is that our counthry has ceased to be fugue proof. Th' view fr'm th' brink has ceased to atthract. The marl fibre iv our wanst gr-reat nation, Hinnissy, is weakened to th' point where we ask oursilves whither life with Crew- chop may not be betther than no life at all.'

`He's a villyun, that Crewchop; said Mr. Hen- nessy with conviction.

`He's that all right,' agreed Mr. Dooley, 'but afther all, Hinnissy, th' Rocishians can't afford t' be as fasteejus about their pollyticians as we are in Chicago. Rooshia went Raypublican in 1917, Hinnissy, an' a Dimmycrat has niver been ilicted there since that date. I'm afraid yell have to take Crewchop as ye find him, an' I wudn't be surprised if ye found him wan day out on th' Ar-rchey Road.'

`He'd betther watch out,' said Mr. Hennessy.

`Father Kelly says .'

`Mebbe it's Father Kelly had betther watch mit,' said Mr. Dooley in a quiet tone. 'Has he not heard that Crewchop is goin' to Rome to see th' Holy Fa-ather?'

`What!' gasped Mr. Hennessy. 'What cud CreWchop have to say to th' Pope?'

'I ondhertstand,' said Mr. Dooley solemnly, `that th' fur-rst item on th' agreed aginda is measures f'r th' supprission iv lood an' ondacent dancin', with spishul riference, Hia- nessy, to th' can-can.'