DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Is anyone paying attention out there? Where on earth did people get the idea that we would be offering tax cuts during our first term of office? We have been quite explicit that while we would like to see tax cuts — and indeed we’ve provided an exhaustive list of the tax cuts we would, in theory, like to offer — this will, in fact, not be at all possible. We really can’t be clearer than that. So let’s have less of this silly outrage every time nice Mr Hammond restates the policy. I don’t like to make threats. But does Dave have to promise to raise taxes before you all back off? Please, do not tempt him. He’s quite capable of revising our spending pledges and performing a series of radical U-turns on economic policy if you make him cross enough, you know. Oh yes.
TUESDAY
Big planning meeting for Spring conference this weekend in Gateshead. (Or is it Newcastle? I can never remember.) We’ve been issued with a fascinating book on dialect (called Geordie!) so we can regionalise soundbites. Julian, our Northern guru, talked us through a few examples. When dealing with local media we must say: ‘The Tories would share the proceeds of growth between public services and tax cuts, like.’ Can’t see how that makes much difference, but Jools says these little details are absolutely crucial if we are to win new friends in Our Bloody Great Northern Cities.
To tell truth, am bit distracted. More I think about it, more I have horrible feeling have booked train to wrong place. Is Newcastle in Gateshead, or is it the other way round? Poppy says she thinks there’s a river in between them. Hope there’s some sort of ferry service.
WEDNESDAY Jed has put me in charge of Top Level Strategic Mission! All shadow Cabinet ordered to do five days canvassing for Boris and I am running the grid! It’s rather tricky. A lot of them have never walked the streets of London before and are bit frightened, especially after what Jacqui Smith said about it not being safe.
However, after much coaxing, Mrs Spelperson has agreed to do half an hour’s leafleting in Kensington (not the rough bit where Dave lives, obviously). Mr Letwin is going to knock on a few doors in Clapham and DD will return to the Tooting council estate where he grew up accompanied by BBC camera crews and a reporter from Radio Tank.
Best of all — Mr Mitchell has offered to go to Rwanda to shore up the African vote! Am v. excited about this, although Jed says he’s not sure it will be necessary. Oh, and little Mr Shapps says he’ll go anywhere (Jed says this also not necessary).
Meanwhile, strange message from Lord A’s office. Am asked to tell Dave’s people: ‘Withdraw support for Non-doms Bill Friday or the organic smoothie order gets it.’ How odd.
THURSDAY Now I’m really fed up. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, Nigel says the conference is in Tyne and Wear, for goodness sake. The lady at the train booking line wasn’t at all polite when I rang up to change my ticket. Said if I wanted her advice, I would stick to my original plan of travelling to Newcastle and taking the hovercraft. Sure I could hear laughing. Is this the sort of service privatisation has delivered? Maybe Jed is right. Maybe we should renationalise the lot of them.
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