A NOTTING HILL NOBODY AT NOEL
TAMZIN LIGHTWATER
MONDAY Now I know why they call it the unhappiness agenda. Am suicidal. I never want to have anything to do with ‘social justice’ again. I shouldn’t have even been at the press conference, but Dave was nervous after things went a bit nuclear at the weekend, so nothing left to chance.
Captain Smithy — Mr IDS-Pod himself — was wired up with a team backstage shouting answers into his ear. Afterwards, his people asked if I wanted to join them for a late lunch. What could be nicer, I thought, imagining a cabbage and beetroot smoothie in one of the usual hangouts. Well! Call me Ms Picky, but I just don’t think it’s very appropriate to get blotto in London’s most exclusive restaurant after launching a report on poverty and addiction.
And the conversation! Interrupted once to say I didn’t think gay people were irrelevant. ‘Come off it!’ they all shouted. ‘How many of their lot with kids do you know? Woolly wooftas with kids?’ I said my good friend Aileen in Wibberley village, whose partner Erica has twins from a previous marriage to whom Aileen is now ‘Mummy Two’.
This made everyone fall about laughing. One of them had food coming out of his nose. Am I missing something? We never laugh at things like this at head office.
Then one of them leaned over me and said ‘Don’t tell me you’re into f****** glaciers. Smart girl like you? You should come and join the Real Conservatives.’ Then he fell off his chair. I said that if by ‘glaciers’ he meant the ecological necessity for changing our personal behaviour to meet the generational challenge of climate change, then yes, I was into them, thank you. Then I stormed out. I don’t think anyone noticed but it felt really good. Was Empowered.
TUESDAY Am still in shock. I want to tell Dave, but it’s my word against theirs, isn’t it? Besides, everyone suddenly banging on about how brilliant it is that we’re going to round up poor people and make them marry each other.
This is not what I left my job at the Movement and Meaning Gallery of Conceptual Art and came into New Conservative politics for. I thought we were all supposed to be nice now. (Having said that, Victorian chic is big at Topshop this season.... ) Poppy decorating the office in mini Dave faces and husky sleds.
Don’t feel much like celebrating the season of goodwill to all married men. I put up a few organic mistletoe sprigs but my heart’s not in it.
WEDNESDAY Frightful lecture from Mr Letwin explaining why Brokeback Britain, or whatever it’s called, is not, in fact, Back to Basics. ‘B2B was a return to traditional values. BB is a return to family values. You see? You see? What’s more — B2B was marred by a hostile reaction in the press to revelations about Tory MPs’ extramarital affairs. Whereas the press reaction to the current spate of Tory MPs’ extramarital affairs is very measured indeed. So it’s all completely different ... Silence! No buts!’ Nigel passed round the list for Secret Ethical Santa. I drew Mr Maude. Have decided to buy him three mosquito nets and a goat (‘which provides not only nutrition but can help out in other areas’, apparently). Poppy is claiming she drew DD at random but I know she peeked. Says she’s buying him ‘Killing Spree’ on Xbox. How is this ethical? ‘Because, silly, I’m throwing in a kilo of fertiliser and 16 mango saplings to go with it.’ Which is fair enough, I suppose.
THURSDAY My faith is being tested to the limit. Ran into Dave in the corridor and he said, ‘Hey, Tammy, you seeing anyone at the moment? Dear oh dear. We must get you married off in 2007. In fact, it’s my top NY resolution!’ Cannot go on like this. Am going to see Jed. If he tells me this is anything other than one of our pretend policies to keep rightwingers happy, I will resign....
LATER Oh what a relief! Jed took me for a booster shake and explained that it’s all just a ploy to keep the (U) kippers ticking over. He hasn’t told Dave this yet, so that will be why he’s taking it so seriously. He was so sweet. ‘Tamzin, babe! Chill out! Do you really think I would let this through? Remember the Redwood strategy?’ I nod my head and we repeat the secret mantra together. Feel like a weight’s been lifted. I will have a happy Christmas — sorry, Winterval!
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
Previous page
