SPECTATOR COMMITION No. 228 Report by Allan M. Laing The

approach of picnic weather recalls an alphabet about the discomforts of this type of alfresco party which Miss H. Pearl Adam once began. She got as far as:

A was the Anthill we failed to remark; B was the Backache that followed the lark; C was the Climate, as wet as a lake; D was the big word that most of us spake . . .

Competitors were asked to supply at least twelve more consecutive letters of the alphabet, in the same vein, towards the poem's completion.

PRIZES (M. PAMELA ROSS)

E was Egg Sandwiches seasoned with shell; F was the Flask which was smashed when it fell; G was the Ground which has seldom been damper; H was the Hole in our new picnic hamper;

I were the Insects, both flying and crawling;

J was the Jam, into which they kept falling; K was the Kettle we had meant to boil; L was the Lettuce which tasted of soil; M was the Matches that someone forgot N was our Nylons (we laddered the lot !); O was the Overcoats, buttoned up tight;

P was the Primus that no one could light.

(ALTHEA)

E were the Earwigs that dropped in our drink (And used Uncle Edward's bald head as a rink). F was the First-aid to blistered heels rendered; G was the Gloom that the weather engendered. H was the Hamper of brown squeaky wicker, With straps, locks and screw-tops; a string bag is quicker.

I were the Insects that punctured our skin; J was the Jam that ran out of the tin.

K was the Knapsack—it weighed half a ton— L its long Laces that would come undone. M were the Macs that we all had to sit in,

N the lost Needles from Grandmamma's knitting.

I am glad to believe that competitors enjoyed this competition: several of them have written to say So; but as for me, after ploughing through well over two hundred alphabets, I shall never wish to look a picnic in the face again. The fleas that tease in the high Pyrenees were here rein- forced with earwigs in the hair, wasps in the Jam, leaking kettles, mouldy ham, fools that fall into pools, brats who sit on peoples' hats, and a hundred other irritations. Entries came from Iraq, IrelLnd, Antigua and BAOR, and it took a solid three hours for a first reading. 1 have no space for more comment if the winning entries are to be printed. 1 shall only say that to select as few us five winners has meant flagrant but inevit- able injustice. There were a dozen others who had to be eliminated for reasons I should not care to defend. I particularly commiserate Gerald Summers and Oliver Holt, who were in the final seven. The winners are: M. Pamela Ross, Althea, R. Howat, R. Kennard Davis and H. Pearl Adam P was Pearl Adam, who started it all,' as Margaret Martyn wrote) who get £1 each.

H was the Hygiene we'd like to teach rabbits.

I was the Ice-cream—as cold as Vesuvius!

J was ubiquitous Jupiter Pluvius.

K was the Kick Jack got from a horse; L was my Lament when I sat on the gorse.

M was the Midge that got stuck in Mum's throat ; N was our Nanny—the cows got her goat ! 0 was the Odour that came from the River;

P was Pa's plaint that it went for his liver.

Q was the Quagmire that spread o'er the locus;

R was the Rash that the nettles bespoke us.

S was the Sunshine foretold on the wireless.

T should be Tea—but alas! we were fireless!

(R. KENNARD DAVIS)

E were the Eggs; some were younger, some older; F was the Fire that did nothing but smoulder; G were the Gnats, we professed not to mind them; H was the region to which we consigned them.

I were the Ices; they thawed on the ham; J the ubiquitous, glutinous Jam.

K were the Knives that had never been packed; L were the Looks we exchanged on the fact ; M was the Mud; it came over my knee;

N was the Newt that I found in my tea. 0 was the Oath that I silently swore That P should be Picnicking—never no more! F was the Flies that got into the Custard.

G was the Gas in the sweet lemonade;

H was the Ham into sandwiches made.

I was the Ices, so soft and so warm;

J was the Jellies we drank without harm.

K was the Kill-joy who brought an umbrella;

L was the Liquid that I-et kc d of Vanilla.

M was the Mould—but few would b.:gin it—

N was the Nuts that disguised what was in it.

O was the Oysters in Patties we hoped for; P was the Patties whose Oysters we grop^cd for.

Q was the Queen and her hive—we could hear them; R was the Rashness that took us so near them.

S was the Salad that needed its dressing; T was the Trifle that kept us all guessing.

U was the Umbrella, subj.ct of bets;t,

V was the Vicar who sent his regrets.

W was the Water—on one side we ranged it ; X was the Xeres for which we'd have changed it.

Y was the Yawn which our Jawbones extended when Z was the end—yes, thank Heaven, it ended.