Consequences

The usual prize was offered for the most far-fetched 'chain-reaction' (on the lines of that which myxomatosis is said to be causing in the countryside), if all cats, TV sets, adver- tisement hoardings or civil servants were to vanish overnight.

DESPITE the importance of the dog in our national life this competition supplies evidence that the cat is considered an absolutely indispensable amenity of civil- ised living; nearly half the entries exploited the dim (and in many cases direful) con- sequences that would ensue from pussy's banishment. Civil servants remain fair game for jokers of all persuasions, and competi- tors hinted at refinements of human liberty hitherto undreamed of in a world lacking tax inspectors, postmen, telephone operators and red-tapery of every kind. Advertise- ment hoardings apparently don't offer a big enough target for either fantasy or mere spleen ! TV-ominously-promoted a large proportion of entries of the 'circular-chain' variety, ending with the necessity of bring- ing TV back in order to save mankind from several kinds of horrid fate.

Many competitors translated 'far-fetched' into an invitation to abandon elementary logic and there were too many cases in which a promising-looking chain, snapped on a very weak link; the air was filled with the clanging Of non-sequiturs as the pile of rejects mounted. Another cause for rejection was the abandonment of a plausible chain of events which were, as it were, hung up in mid-air while the entrant dived off in pur- suit of a totally different series of causes and effects rising from the same initial premiss. I also had to reject entries con- taining factual errors (not many of these); and two regular entrants-shame on you both, sirs! -who artfully tried to convince me that the abolition of cats jumps civil ser- vants would lead in six quick umps to their names perpetually adorning the list of com- petition prize-winners. There were some grisly possibilities envis- aged : 'Cats abolished-cat-food makers turn to making dog food-dogs overfed and lazy-streets filled with run-over dogs- reduction of speed-limits, etc.,' and, 'Cats abolished-more mice-ladies wear slacks all the time-decline of female clothing industry-bankruptcy of couturiers, etc.' Another revealed that the cat is illegal in Iceland and promoted a fantasy of an Anglo-Icelandic squabble leading to the verge of war.

Extra scrutiny of the 'possibles' brought the list down to five who share the prize because of, respectively, their pungency, brevity, Carrollian logic, vicious-spiral effect, and a verbal tortuousness echoing dialogue in a Marx Brothers film. £2 10s. to R. Kennard Davis; £1 to W. Bernard Wake; 10s. each to Edward Samson, J. W. Droy and P. A. T. O'Donnell.

PRIZES

(R. KENNARD DAVIS)

No Civil Servants? 'Tis presumed That far less Tea will be consumed,

And that will bring disaster on The tea-producers of Ceylon, Who will undoubtedly insist On turning Kandy Communist.

The Yanks, appalled by this event, Will make McCarthy President, And he, with ill-restrained aplomb, Will loose the elemental bomb, Starting a final chain-reaction Of universal liquefaction.

(W. BERNARD WAKE)

No cats-more mice-rodent operatives strike for more pay-public buys mousetraps- cheese in short supply-cheese under counter -mice under counter eat cheese-after eating cheese mice eat all food stocks in country- population become good mousers and live on mice-mice in short supply. . . .

(EDWARD SAMSON)

No cats-dogs lethargic-develop strange liver-symptoms-Vets puzzled and overworked -no time for other jobs-cows not immunised against TB-spread of bovine TB in humans- insufficiency of doctors-doctors refuse vast increase of work at NH fees-medicine de- nationalised-Mr. Bevan resigns from Labour Party - Labour Party united - Government defeated on introduction of Cats' Bill-General Election-Labour goes to country on `Cats- Mean-Health' policy-returned with over- whelming majority-cats imported too late- dogs unresponsive-country suffers from super- fluous cats and Labour Government.

(I. W. DROY)

No cats-mice come out in daylight-house- wives spend most of day on chairs, screaming -frustrated meter-readers cannot gain admit- tance-no bills sent-revenue dries up : nation- alised fuel and power practically bankrupt- emergency Budget introduced-taxes increased -wave of strikes-workless husbands stay home-scared mice stay in holes-housewives get off chairs and admit meter-readers-fuel and power finances recover-taxes cancelled- strikes called off - men back at work - re- appearance of mice-housewives spend most of day on chairs, screaming. . . .

(P. A. T. O'DONNELL)

No Civil Servants accumulation of un- claimed files and non-transferable bucks- former facilitate mass jailbreaks and latter con- stitute unprecedented Dollar Reserve-empty jugs resulting from former used for storage of latter-rumour of big money in pitchers en- courages pavement artists-pedestrians forced into roads-government action to reduce jams results in compensatory increase in consump- tion of tea-eventual decontrol produces tea surplus-Civil Service reconstituted in order to drain this off.