The Protection Racket

By BAMBER

GASCOIGNE ON the evening of February 1 two men mingled with the crowd going into the Gar- rick Theatre to see Fings Ain't Wot They Used 7"Be. One imagines them checking their coats, buying programmes, being shown to their seats —two ordinary theatre-lovers. But as the lights went down and the vain girls around them slid their glasses stealthily out of their handbags, these two, equally stealthily, slid notebooks out of' their pockets. Throughout the show they scribbled away, and if they occasionally snig- gered—well, how pleasant to be able to enjoy one's work.

The result of this quiet visit was the follow- ing letter, received at the Garrick a week later: Dear Sir,

The Lord Chamberlain has received numerous

complaints against the play Flogs Ain't Wot They Used T'Be, in consequence of which he arranged for an inspection of the Garrick Theatre to be made on the 1st February last.

It is reported to His Lordship that numerous unauthorised amendments to the allowed manu- script have been made, and I am to require you to revert to it at once, submitting for approval any alterations which you wish to make before continuing them in use.

In particular I am to draw your attention to the undernoted, none of which would have been allowed had they been submitted, and which am to ask you to confirm by return of post have all been removed from the play;

Act 1. Indecent business of Rosie putting her hand up Red Hot's bottom.

The dialogue between Rosie and Bettie 'You've got a cast-iron stomach. "You've got to have it in our business.'

The interior decorator is not to be played as a homosexual and his remark .. . 'Excuse me dear, red plush, that's camp that is' is to be omitted, as is the remark 'I've strained meself.' The builder's labourer is not to carry the plank of wood in the erotic place and at the erotic angle that he does, and the Lord Chamberlain wishes to be informed of the manner in which the plank is in future to he carried.

,,tei II. The reference to the Duchess of Argyll is to be omitted. Toshcr, when examining Red Hot's hag, is not to put his hand on Rosie's bottom with finger aligned as he does at the moment. The remark 'Don't drink that stuff, it will rot your drawers' is to he omitted.

Toshcr is not to push Rose backwards against a table when dancing in such a manner that her legs appear through his open legs in a manner indicative of copulation.

Yours faithfully, Assistant Comptroller.

This beautiful document should be useful to pornographers who haven't yet realised the salacious potential of official language. 'Aligned,' in particular,- is a word which has been seriously underwOrked in this field.

But I am quoting this letter because it reveals very clearly what our dramatic censor spends' most of his time doing. Some people have man- aged to see bin, as a tireless defender of our island happiness, health and heritage, bravely facing up to and turning back the most unimagin- able, indescribable, unheard-of, etc.. bits of filth--we all know what these writing johnnies are like. But here he is suddenly revealed in his true colours, busily snipping away at harmless little jokes and gestures which one could find in plenty of pubs, Sundays included. And remem- ber that this is a public service, a part of democ- racy ('numerous complaints' etc.). Anyone want- .• ing a campaign leaflet against censorship should simply print this letter with the simple slogan; 'These words were written on your behalf.'

The letter was signed, not by Lord Scarbrough himself, but by his adviser, Lieut.-Colonel Penn. The reasons for Colonel Penn's sudden swoop on Pings, after it has been delighting audiences for more than a year, remain mysterious. He men- tions the 'numerous complaints,' but his office gets these about every show—a mere channel for complaints is enough to make some people reach for their pens—and there are other shows now running which could as logically have been visited. Or was Colonel Penn's main intention the defence of the Duchess of Argyll? Certainly the reference .stands out oddly amongst the other objections. Yet, if the censor were relieved of his unnecessary responsibility in this direction. the law of libel would be quite adequate to deal with any injustice that there might be.- Criticism of the censor boils down to criticism of the office. rather than the officer. (Colonel Penn's letter reflects this inseparability he pretends to be conveying his Lordship's wishe,;. whereas His Lordship was in India on all the dates mentioned.) The whole function is ludicrous, and nobody could make it anything else. To prove this, try and write that letter to the Garrick withotet making it seem ridiculous After one or two attempts you merely ha \ e to give the whole thing up as a bad job. But then one's main criticism of Colonel Penn is that he doesn't do just that.