No. 891: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from the sort of school Prospectus that might be expected if the here. Education Voucher system were ever adopted As at least three headmasters were among

the •

competitors, their reading of the future _could well be soundly based. The William rnlYndale school, you may be pleased to hear, ,,,anaged to survive alongside Eton whose k'°sPectus had just the tone of restrained understatement one might expect — witness T. liriffiths's closing passage: 'Parents will at least snord Eton compares favourably with other Schools in the catchment area. We say no more.'

_ Paul Griffin visualised a compulsory Government warning in all prospectuses (and wins two pounds):

Since the Private Education Act of 1976, independent schools have been compelled by law to issue the following Government Warning to the parents of all applicants: . "Sociologists have now established beyond any doubt that private education constitutes a danger to society as it is at present established in Britain, by removing the recipient from the company of children of other socio-economic groups, and by giving him unfair social and educational advantages."

The Governing Body of Stonybury College according issues this warning, and apologises to the

many parents whose applications are inevitably being rejected in the great rush of registrations 'since the Act was passed.

And Robin Chase's school asks: 'Are there any Peter Pans in your push-chairs?' and goes on:

Greyfriars is almost the only school where boys can be boys for ever. They enter the form of their choice and remain for as long as you wish. You save money too, for since the school is timeless, fees are fixed for all time. Banish the prospect of expensive career training, eighteenth birthday presents and parties, daughter-in-law trouble, etc, by sending your son to Frank Richards 's: custom-built scholastic emporium. Don't just let your son study literature, but let him live it, sharing dorm feasts and other fabulous excitements with such well-known characters as Billy Bunter and Harry Wharton. Thrill to the sensation of reading about your son in paperbacks available at all booksellers.

The only really permanent education.

GREYFRIARS The School Created To Last.

APPLY NOW, enclosing recent photograph, details of eccentricities, ownership of treasure islands, etc.

He wins four pounds, as do the remaining entries printed.

St Harold's will equip your son to master modern life! No boring, time-wasting classics, games, etc — just commonsense in beating inflationary and other problems (e.g. blacks, women).

Above-average pupils are groomed personally by the H.M. for local government and the Civil Service — there's no better way of controlling events to personal advantage nowadays! Below-average pupils receive special attention in training as members of Parliament or the Foreign Office (lots of perks, and opportunities for overseas travel) or, in specially disturbed cases, the BBC.

As for the aJerage boy, who may be unsuitable for anything except business or the professions, we place special emphasis on taxand work-evasion techniques.

Sex is, of course, all-important to success in life ("an orgasm a day keeps the probation officer away"!) and individual instruction is provided by Miss Lavish (fully qualified masseuse) or Mr Gay (ex-Grenadier Guards).

(P. M. G. Shiel) Here at BOVVER LANE COMPREHENSIVE, we .believe in a firm grounding in the Three Rs — the only three Rs relevant to today: Rampage, Riot arid Reprisal. Just consider the world in which your children are growing up — a world whose headlines are dominated daily by kidnap and bomb-blast, by threat and 'aggro' of every kind. What hope have your young people of coping with such a lawless society — of surviving even — unless they are inured early on to a social context in which nothing is secure, where violence lurks in every corridor and where your 'best friend' may be the first to put the boot in? Here at BOVVER LANE, by providing a salutary sense of impotent isolation in an arena swept by forces too powerful and arbitrary for the individual either to comprehend or control, we claim to mirror the vast chaotic Campus of Life itself ...

(Rufus Stone)