YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I live in a semi-gentrified area of Ken- nington. Our house is one of 40 grouped in an oval shape around a tiny patch of green. As there is never anywhere to park in these so-called gardens, cabs from the local mini- cab firm, which regularly collects custom from the house next door to us, simply stop outside it and blow the horn until the client emerges. This wakes up our children, aged one, three and five, and annoys us. I approached our next-door neighbour and pleasantly enquired whether she might ask the drivers to ring her doorbell instead. Unfortunately, she took my request as a personal insult and replied in fishwife man- ner with a tirade of abuse. The horn-blow- ing continues. What can I do?
Name withheld, London SE) I A. Nip round to the local mini-cab firm yourself and explain the situation to the controllers. Say ambiguously, 'I live in Gardens and you get a lot of business from us but it's going to have to stop if your drivers don't ring the doorbell instead of blowing their horns outside.' Explain that the woman in number X who often orders the cabs suffers from a mental disorder, and may even request that the horns be
Dear Mary. . .
blown outside but 'just ignore that — she's been released too early back into the com- munity and we don't want to alienate the neighbours'.
Q. I enjoyed your problem about the chat- tering classes (10 July) and wonder if you might be able to advise me on a similar matter? I am a literary agent. A rumour is currently doing the rounds about one of my writers which links him in a sexual capacity with a well-known woman in public life. The story is not true, disappointingly, as such a relationship — even if only a one- off, so to speak — would help raise his pro- file considerably and give his image a much-needed boost. I don't like lying, so What should I say, when members of the
chattering classes who would 'talk him up' were they to think the story true, ask me to confirm or deny it?
Name and address withheld A. Why not allow an enigmatic expression , to come over your face, pause for a moment and then reply, 'I think it's the kind of story that does a man no harm.'
Q. What can one buy as a birthday present for an aunt of 91? She lives alone but is perfectly fit and insists, quite reasonably, that she doesn't want anything because 'I'll be dead soon anyway, so it would be a waste of money.'
D.M., Chester Square, SW) A. An ideal present for any geriatric is the newly invented GasWatch device which shuts off the gas supply automatically should it be left on absent-mindedly or after a saucepan has boiled over putting out the flame. It costs £279 including Vat from 081 742 8662. As it can be moved from house to house, you can persuade your aunt that it is not a waste of money as you yourself can take it over when she dies.
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