YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
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Dear Mary.
May I suggest the following method of dealing with unwanted calls from double- glazing sales people? On answering the phone and being asked to confirm that you are Mrs X, you reply (whether or not you are the said person), 'No, I'm afraid that Mrs X is far too drunk to come to the phone.' You are then rewarded with half d second or so of surprised silence.
E.A.W, Lane End, Bucks A. Thank you for this tip.
Q. Recently when staying with people, after-dinner games were proposed and I found our hosts expected us to play the game in Latin and Greek, as ordinary English was deemed too simple. It was clear that a certain degree of one-upman- ship was at play as those of us who couldn't possibly follow the proceedings were scold- ed by the others and told that the clues were 'obvious'. How would you suggest I might have punished my hosts for making some of their guests feel inadequate?
S.M., Tisbuty A. You could have made them feel inade- quate themselves by insisting on playing the Kama Sutra Game. 'What, surely you know it?' you could have cried in surprise before pretending that this game was a well-estab- lished feature in after-dinner game reper- toires. Players, you. could explain, are required to simulate (while fully clothed, of course) sex positions from the Kama Sutra with an imaginary partner while the rest of the room tries to identify the position by name. In this way you could have under- mined your classicist friends and made them feel inadequate iii their turn by shout- ing out things like, 'Come on, it's obvious, everyone knows this position!'
Q. What is the best way to welcome guests who are staying for the weekend and put them at their ease? I often find the first moments after arrival are somewhat pan- icky and depressing.
A.B., Brokenborough, Wilts A. Before showing guests to their room or even unpacking their cars, lead them through into your dining-room where you can welcome them with an elaborate formal- ly set tea already laid out on a tablecloth. This should consist of a large spread of egg sandwiches, cucumber sandwiches, two dif- ferent types of cake and, of course, tea, though you should also be ready to serve iced coffee from the fridge. Sit people down and encourage them to tuck in. This will immedi- ately reassure nervous guests, reminding them of the security of childhood. To this end it is important to have some wrapped-up commercial biscuits like Jacob's Orange Club or Penguins as part of the display.
Q. Are the roses out at Mottisfont yet? I've been trying to get through, but there is only a recorded message on one line while the other line doesn't answer.
MW, Wilts A. Yes, a good number of them are already out.
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