COMPETITION
Lead balloon
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2140 you were invited to supply an extract from an imagi- nary speech at a wedding by a best man who fails to find the right tone of humour.
I once attended a wedding at which the best man, a dear old major, began his speech in all innocence with, 'All of us here have been fortunate enough to have wit- nessed the consummation of this marriage.' As for Toby Young's lead-balloon speech in the USA, as reported by him, I should have thought that any English-speaking audi- ence, of any social stratum, would have flinched at such coarse buffoonery. Flinch I did at some of your entries which were so over the top, or beneath the bottom, that embarrassment or squeamishness overcame amusement. Nobody successfully brought off the obvious scenario — the gay best man bitchily handing over his ex-lover to the care of the wrong sex.
The prizewinners, printed below, have £25 each, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky belongs to Nikolai Stankiewicz.
How proud Mum would be to see Dad looking so spiffing at his wedding to Mary. Mum always did admire Dad when he wore his funeral and wedding suit. Today we wish the bride and groom a happy life together. If Mary can make Dad half as happy as Mum did, she will be doing
well. Now that was a marriage made in Heaven, and, until Mum passed away, they were like two honeymooners. Mary will enjoy living in our family home; Mum's taste in interior decoration was supreme and nothing in the house has been changed since she left us all. Dad said nobody could cook like Mum, but we know you will try your best. So, Mary, we wish you good luck, you have a very high standard to live up to. At least you have had two other marriages, and, as they say, 'third time lucky!
(Nikolai Stankiewicz)
May the best man win, they say. Well, I certainlY seem to have won this time — while I'm partying with these gorgeous bridesmaids, Key will be fac- ing the rest of his life with a married woman. Marriage involves committing, of course, and I know this means a lot to Key. For the first time in his life he'll be able to commit adultery. As if No. Key and Debs just want to settle down and
wait for the patter of tiny feet — well, not tiny, exactly, judging by the size of Debs's shoes. When Key tried to drink her health from her slip- per it took most of the magnum. Only joking, Debs. Please don't kick me! Seriously, these two are a match made in Heaven — all ready to fit into a matchbox built in Egham. After the honey- moon, that is. But that's bound to be perfect, if practice means anything. (W.J. Webster) Shortly I'll ask you to toast bride Miranda — and bridegroom George coupled with Suzie, Matron of Honour.
After last night's stag party I wondered what George had said to father-in-law-to-be when asked whether he could support his daughter. I found considerable difficulty in supporting George. However, relations, I know, are good. George said last night, 'I've a soft spot for my mother-in- law.' (Pause, reading notes) 'A swamp outside Wigan.' No, no, that's crossed out. Hitherto horses have come first in Miranda's love-life, humans considered also-rans. (Hence, as you see, she's had no time to change from jodh- purs after today's training ride.) Something about George's appearance must have struck a chord. She has chosen him as groom and with George's known appreciation of fillies there'll clearly be a stable relationship. Don't worry, George, if tonight you hear an involuntary 'neigh'.
Which reminds me of the story of Clinton and the Pope.... (Eric Dehn)
Nous sommes ici pour celebrer le manage de Solange et Kenton. Comme son frere.... Permettez-moi to continuer in English. Tricky stuff, French, especially after all the excellent plonk Monsieur Blanchard has supplied. Mother and Father were naturally surprised when Kenton said that he had proposed to a foreigner and she'd accepted him. So was I. I thought he'd always had his eye on Dorothy Bagot at No. 17. We've never had a foreigner in the family before. It's an experience we're looking forward to. We're not great ones for travelling. England's been quite good enough for us up to now and they say you have a better chance of meeting foreigners abroad. But Kenton found this one without leav- ing our shores. At the Perfumery in Harvey Nicks, wasn't it, Kenton? Buying, of course, and you helped her with her parcels. We'll make Solange feel at home. Mother's an excellent cook.
(Fergus Porter) Well, the old skinflint finally made it up the aisle! Marty and I've been mates since infant school: I regularly paid him 5p a time for a look through his Beanos and Dandys. He was famous for saving Easter eggs from one year to the next, and he had the heaviest piggy-bank in Harlesden. Remember student days, Marty? We gannets ate so much! Impossible to keep track of who'd had what, so he rejected the communal housekeeping pot and went solo, splashing out on his own supply of cornflakes and Marmite. Bet he's still wearing those Freddie Mercury boxer shorts. Course, his stag night was a blinder — but then the rest of us were paying! A tip for you, Alice: don't get a joint account, or he'll have his beady eye on your every withdrawal. Let's raise our glasses to Marty and Alice: it's champagne today and Cava from
Previous page
