The Neutral Prop
Susan Boyd claims that the best accessory of all can’t be bought From the back her clothes suggest that she could be a young woman aged between 19 and 24 — she most certainly isn’t. From the back his clothes suggest he could only be a soberly dressed older man — he most certainly is. And for this she is eternally grateful because what self-respecting woman ever wants to compete head-to-head with a male fashion junkie? The risk of derision is distressingly high when middle-aged fashion victims become a double act. A straw poll would reveal that she’s his daughter but actually she’s more likely to be his wife. Closer examination would spot that her hair had lost its lustre and the hand proudly clutching this season’s must-have white textured leather bag is almost as textured. Despite the skinny jeans, wooden wedges, waist-cinching belt and cropped gold metallicised-linen jacket — screaming the names Sass and Bide, Hermes, Fendi and Proenza Schouler to the cognoscenti — there is no getting away from the full-frontal truth. This ‘modern’ woman of a certain age dresses like her daughter who in turn dresses like the new style icons de nos jours: 18–22 year old celebrities — the muses of Milan and Paris.
This woman is not alone. She is everywhere; this particular Sloane Street version is replicated down the fashion chain — Zara, Mango, LK Bennett and yes — even Top Shop.
The amount of time that goes into achieving this look, when the flesh is less than fresh, is monumental: hours of toil keeping up with every seasonal seismic shift, constantly monitoring what Lindsay, Sienna and Mischa are wearing in the latest copy of Heat, not to mention the relentless nip and tuck required to stay in the race. She almost needs a science degree to decide whether she should opt for ‘dynamic facial sculpting’ or ‘aesthetic dermatology’, not to mention a body thread lift on her glutes. All women know only too well that in the ‘logo’ stores anything above a size 6 is kept in the basement or in a back room and always seems to require some sort of a humiliating hunting expedition by skeletal sales ‘executives’. Accessories therefore play a big part in her shopping life as they require less disrobing — only canny forward-planning. The ‘right’ bag or shoes can inspire, even in the most insecure, the heights of fashion confidence. But her best accessory, though she may not realise it, is priceless. It is a classically, conservatively dressed partner.
Though there are many cargo-panted, Puma-trainer wearing older men out there — these are the men she has to avoid at all costs. The ones with three days of salt and pepper stubble, head-hugging woollen beanies pulled down over receding hairlines and even, in some cases, ones with vintage airline bags slung across their torsos. Instead, being seen in the company of a dignified timeless male, a neutral prop, enhances the myth that she must have been a child bride and justifies her need to add a school-girl parka to next season’s wish list.
How it would give the game way if he was to spend as much time tracking down the perfect Rag and Bone jeans or the ultimate pair of Maharishis, and worrying whether his pecs were up to buying a Calvin Klein T-shirt two sizes too small. It is all very well for older women to have embraced the new ‘dance studio’ inspiration and step out in footless tights and layers, but wouldn’t it just be a tad embarrassing for this to be mirrored in ‘his’ inspiration? So much safer to have a man who doesn’t compete, who is sublimely happy with his uniform and can be relied upon never to succumb to the fashion tyranny that dominates her world.
After all, having spent hours in the bedroom convincing herself that she can get away with Keira Knightley’s latest look, the last thing she wants is to come downstairs and find a 50-year-old Orlando Bloom waiting for her.
DAVID MONTGOMERY
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