No. 499: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: Competitors were in- vited to write the opening paragraphs of an article hymning either see-through trousers for men or full plate armour for women in the style of a fashion editor.
There was a certain indefinable zest to the ladies' entries this week that made nervous read- ing. Revenge, perhaps, for a lifetime of dressing exclusively, if not always successfully, to please a fickle audience? Outstanding apologist for the new trend, and winner of five guineas— Marie Need: Today, a glimpse for Paris. Tomorrow, a re- velation for our High Streets. They've arrived: see-through trousers for men.
We saw: country trousers in cobweb tweeds; matching voile bermudas for psychedelic shirts; for evening, patio pants in tucked gossamer poplin.
The ideas were endless, the fabrics delicious and immensely flattering to those gay,- beach- boy legs. (Health clubs; boom coming!) Historically fascinating too, the cod-pieces were beautifully arranged; never obtrusive, always part of the grand design. The wittiest: Ferret's own racing colours, on blatantly trans- parent PVC. Holly-printed Sellotape? Perhaps. But, for this bird, definitely a gift-wrapped male. . . .
There was less eagerness, oddly enough, to armour the ladies than there was to reveal the men. Some talked enthusiastically of greave and cuisse and breech, but the winner of the first three-guinea prize was Tim O'Dowda : `I know all about the chastity belt, but this is ridiculous!' Thus, a cri de coeur from a reader. Ridiculous maybe—but fun! For, seriously, armour looks like proving the most kookily aphrodisiac attire since the steeple-hat and wimple. If, as 'Papa' Freud tells us, things are desired in direct ratio to the degree to which they are hidden or fortified, armour will ob- viously give even the tamest seduction all the zest of a mediaeval siege, while a visor-clad maiden will bring a fresh, exciting frisson to the phrase 'a blind date.'
The final three-guinea prize goes to T. Griffiths : Mary Quint, mandarin of pop fashion, started off as a horse lover (`since I was about one). and originally worked in a stud farm. Washing down stallions provided the seminal idea fo: her latest fashion wheeze. `Private parts are delightful things,' she said. And it was clear she meant it. `I want to make these super fashion points the thing of to- morrow. Look at Henry VIII. He'd have jumped at polythene cod-pieces, So why not see-through trousers? She tilted her pink, delicately flaring nose. 'In ten years,' she added, `we shall have put the "L" into "Pubic."' Honourable mentions to Jane Gunton on the Peekaboo de Quincey collection, to John DighY on his expos6 of the Hardie Hartnell 'Achilles Nuovo' trews, and to G. F. Blundell on the Cecil Hauberck armoury.
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