Twisted Tales

Competitors were reminded that the Russians are alleged to have a Disinformation Service, whose task is the dissemination of misleading information. The usual prize was offered for an extract from the report of a disinformation agent on a Test Match, a Promenade Concert, a House of Lords debate, a society wedding or a day at the races.

A touch of malice was needed here. Absurdity, as most competitors appreciated, was not enough. The cricketers, on the whole, did best, several cheerful satirists narrowly escaping selection. I particularly liked Charles A. Lewis's ending:—

Working conditions varied greatly, one unfortunate being compelled to hurl the ball repeatedly at an opponent while his

' companions stood idly by. Furthermore, while ten men had to stop the deadly missile with bare hands, the eleventh, evidently a boss, was protected from injury by thick gloves and pads.

Some odd things were seen at Ascot, by Nancy Gunter (Before each race the horses are paraded, their jockeys resplendent in grey toppers) and R. G. Browning (Why, only yesterday, a lame horse won at 100 to 1 and we had the spectacle of bookmakers weeping, running away and shooting themselves on the lawns.) while at a society wedding, Allan M. Laing observed 'a half-hearted attempt . . . by a few starving and shivering proletariat . . . to fling a shower of stinging white pellets in their fat bourgeois faces.'

After some hesitation, I award 30s. each to Dr. Basil Lee, Terence Melican and John Digby, with a consolation prize of 10s. to Whiff, whose snippet brings up the rear.

PRIZES (DR. BASIL LEE)

The match took place at Lord's, home of the dissolute aristocracy who, with wealthy capita- lists and a few hireling priests, sit on one side whilst on the other stand the workers, controlled by the police placed in strategic positions. The game is played for the Ashes, which is a reference to the cremation which awaits the captain of the losing side. Only players from first-class counties are allowed to play in the English team; because of class-distinction those who live in second-class counties arc never given the opportunity. 1 arrived in time to see an Australian batsman hit on the leg; in spite of the fact that by a majority of 11 to 2 the players agreed that he should return to the pavilion—an opinion supported by the spectators—the umpires refused to abide by this democratic opinion, and dictatorially refused to authorise the batsman's retirement ...

(TERENCE MELICAN)

. . Among the social activities in which workers arc allowed to participate, there is none which is not so designed as to cause them humiliation and distress. A fine example of the degree of bourgeois corruption attained is provided by the so-called "Promenade Con- certs," held at the Albert Hall Palace—a building no longer regarded as good enough for the champagne-orgies of the ruling classes. Here, on the floor where the dictatorial Queen Victoria and her fascist-prototype Prince used to waltz, workers are now allowed to pay for the privilege of hearing music provided they stand respectfully at attention throughout. Made desperate by cultural deprivation, they attend—though the music is riddled with bourgeois formalism, and all around them, tier on tier of fascist reptiles and cannibals loll in luxurious armchairs, laughing and jeering at the silent ranks beneath. . .

(JOHN DIOBY) . . . The bridegroom is a very ambitious official in the Foreign Office. That his aspira- tions have led him to a shameless sycophancy is shown by his choice of 'The Voice that Breathes Above Eden' as a wedding-hymn, and by his choice of Marlburian army costume for the pages attending the bride.

Nor did his efforts to ingratiate himself with his superiors stop there. Positioned out- side the church door were two lines of stalwarts from the Brigade of Guards—as blatant and misplaced a contribution to the failing recruit- ing campaign as it would be possible to con- ceive.

The hymn itself was sung by a large choir of small boys. These, of course, have more than

a vocal significance. They are the symbol! adjurations of a State (from which this sots of Church is indivisible) alarmed by t catastrophic fall in the birth-rate. . . .

('WHIFF')

There was play today in the Test Match at Old Trafford....