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COMPETITION
ISLE OF
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Updated clichés
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1847 you were invited to provide an extract from a sports commentary rich in up-to-date clichés.
A great ripe and rotten entry, my only disappointment being that none of you took off my least favourite sports commen- tator, Peter Alliss — perhaps because his arch banality defies imitation. However, Manna Blake, the only one of you to risk golf, produced a fine sentence, far beyond the range of the cosy Alliss: Taldo's driv- er's been chauffeuring for the opposition all afternoon, and he is experiencing the shrinking hole syndrome.'
I cut the cackle to make way for the win- ners, who get £20 each. The bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to David Barton.
...Lane 7, Wildman of Canada, and Lane 8, Wilson of Great Britain, hopefully not too over- awed by such illustrious company. He would, I'm sure, agree it was no mean accomplishment for him to retain a British interest in the final ...They're away, Wilson tucking himself in at the rear, ready for a good solid piece of running ...He's holding his position well, apparently confident enough to run his own race ...400 completed, he's really starting to go, reeling in the pack ...Now, in the last 200, when the pres- sure is really on, he's storming through the field, gaining in stature all the way. We now have a real competition on our hands, but clearly he has a little more work to do ...And has done it. Asked the question, he was able to provide the
answer, producing his credentials and posting his intentions with a very convincing fourth
place. (David Barton) In my book, Richie, to get his act together, Atherton needs some upward feedback to get him off the hook. He must get England's show on the road in today's user-friendly atmosphere or be sidelined in a no-win scenario in the run- up to Australia, and basically get his head round the fact that modern cricket's a whole new ball- game. With the ball in his court he needs to tar- get fresh perspectives and a hidden agenda. At grass roots that's what Tests are all about. We want up-front contributions to get our game up and running, so nobody at the end of the day thinks we're down the tube. Off the top of my head, Richie, I'd say that with the Ashes in the frame and up for grabs, Atherton must lay it on the line or be left at the post on a very sticky wicket. (W.F.N. Watson) It's Nigel Mansell out in front on a lap of luxury — he's just got to be this season's wild card of all time. Behind him, Damon Hill has got his act together beautifully. Starting on the back burner and now hacking into the mainframe, he's really making haste while the sun shines. Yes, he's got his head round this one. It's like the Resurrection to the Bishop of Durham, unbe- lievable. Oh, ho, Nigel's in trouble with his back- up system, and there's no way he can afford this sort of down-time. What a streak of luck! And isn't that quite something for Damon to grunt about? ... Powerhousing along now, hardly scratching the surface as he cruises up his home river — a spitting fax of his father if ever there was one. Yes, motor-racing's answer to Linford Christie is on cloud nine like glorious Devon Malcolm. (David Heaton) With the clock ticking away, can United produce the necessary strategic, proactive response? It's been a game of motivationally deficient passing, with neither side achieving the high-yield out- come we expected. There'll be negative perfor- mance indicators from the fans unless the teams can take their game off the back burner. It's all about resource management and quality ball control ... And now Logan has the ball. Can he empower his mid-field facilitators? No, Binney is there with a high-profile tackle. And the ref is (Watson Weeks)
Well, that last over from Allan Donald was not what the doctor ordered at all. All over the shop. No real, wicket-taking deliveries and not much down what I call that corridor of uncertainty, just on or outside off stump. He doesn't seem focused to me. I think he's trying to do too much with the ball, mixing it up and making the bats- men think. But he's simply let England off the hook. What South Africa needs now is some good, mean, honest-to-goodness, line-and-length bowling. If they can do that, cut out some of those run-scoring deliveries, notch up a few dot- balls and create a bit of pressure, then maybe one or two of these batsmen will commit hari- kari. For now, they're having a party, picking off the four-balls and filling their boots. It's almost like a benefit match. Back to you, Jack.
(S.J.D. Green) not impressed. Mr Birt has strong views on robust, confrontational, interfacing parameters. And the red card is out. The City players are protesting. This is a hands-on, domino-effect sit- uation. Mr Birt is reminding them of the com- mand structure. On the park, on the day, he makes the impact evaluation. And he's imple- menting deselection procedures: four of them off for dissent. This is a serious shortfall, down- sizing situation for City. It's racy, it's raucous, it's Rome! This crowd is worth a goal start to the Vatican City team. England, notoriously bad travellers, must bounce back in the second half. Internationals usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today won't be very different. The Papal team use the chan- nels well and the big striker looks like he could do a job in the Premier league. The Continentals are typically emotional and have been guilty of some kamikaze defending. Surely their desper- ate naivety at the back will lead to a mistake. If ever England needed a Trojan horse it's now. A goal down to this busy Vatican team, all part- timers, and nine priests.
While England look to the gods they are look- ing at their watches. Stan's going to cut one, Stan's going to cut one, Stan's cut one. Well wide. He does that for fun. Well, it's still early
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