No..1331: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from a talk to a sporting team by its religious adviser.
Do clergymen always begin talks with the word 'Now . . ..? Apparently so. This was the only uniformity you showed; otherwise variety ruled OK. There was a very hot gospeller (an unnecessary rein- forcement, I should have thought) for the West Indian cricketers, bridge-players were besought to 'heed the Lord's bidding', there was a spirited address by the Chap- lain to the Boring for England team, and the karate squad were told that 'Zen teaches us that premartial sex is not just wrong but very, very dangerous'. In the footballers' dressing rooms padres leered ('Bless you all, and a super share-out, my dears'), exhorted ('Spread your arms to Him rather than to the blinkered cripple sent to give us earthly judgment of a Saturday') and hectored ('I want you to get up out of your seats and make Satan as sick as a parrot. Go out there and give him hell for Christ's sake').
The prizewinners printed below earn £10 each. The bonus bottle of Champagne Jules Mignon Brut (NV), presented by Christopher Moorsom and Michael Alex- ander of the Chelsea Wharf Restaurant, Lots Rd, SW10 (351 0861), ,is awarded to Andrew McEvoy for the sort of peppy, pious words with which Field-Marshal Montgomery used to stimulate our school boxing team when I was a mere bantam- weight.
And don't suppose, you chaps, that God doesn't know what it feels like to be hanging on there desperately in the middle of the ring, with a full minute to go before the bell, your arms like lead and your legs like jelly. Of course He knows because frankly, fellows, that's what we've been doing to Him all our lives, isn't it? — hammering Him against the ropes, hanging on in the clinches and, dare l say it. hitting Him below the belt. Because we know, don't we, that you can weave and skip and dance all over the ring but unless you keep up your guard against Satan, you're going to end up stopping the biggest sucker punch of all time. So, come out fighting, keep jabbing away with that good old straight left — and none of you'll need fear the Day when the Recording Angel shouts 'Seconds out!' and we all have to go fifteen punishing rounds with the Paraclete . . .
(Andrew McEvoy) . . . Now I know David's the sort of chap who
won't mind the rest of you learning from his problems. We all saw how he was out in the first innings: flashing outside the off-stump. We all know it's wrong, and we're all aware of the wages of that particular sin. But really, you know, David needn't feel quite so embarrassed about it because what I want to say to you, all is that the urge to indulge in that kind of thing is perfectly natural. Yes, Graham, you may smirk, but in your heart of hearts you have to admit that you've fallen to the same temptation. The cover drive was given to us to enjoy to the full and there's no harm at all in wanting to experiment with it. It's quite healthy and you mustn't feel guilty about it or snigger in corners about it. You'll find that plenty of attractive deliveries outside the off-stump will come your way, and you're sure to experience a rush of blood when they do, but take if from me, chaps, you must wait for the right ball and abjure all
others . . . . (N. J. Warburton)
Now, lads, some priests might attack this prob- lem by Bible-punching, but quite frankly, I don't believe in it. Instead I want to talk Christian common sense.
I know you like to have a drink in your hand before you throw up, but I must ask you, is it pleasant for spectators to have to see you reeling around between shots like a load of bishops at an ecumenical council? So why not reduce your doubles to singles? What? Oh yes, except when you have to finish with one.
Some of you may think this a load of bull. but, believe you me, it'll be one in the eye for your opponents if you don't bend your elbow $° often.
Yes, I know you have to bend your elbow to throw the thingummyjigs.
Come on, lads, even I know you have to throw three of them, not two. (Katie Mallett)
Now some of you haven't played at an overseas congress before, and you're going to be faced with temptations that you don't meet at Hast- ings. You may find, for instance, that people offer you drinks . . . No, Pouncer, I don't mean the tournament iced water. I'm talking about something stronger, something that disturbs the judgment and inflames the senses. Can anyone tell him? . . . No, Trouncer, not coffee; I mean spirits. Whisky, gin, vodka . . . Yes, I know, but thci, I expect Mr Kasparov is used to it. kid there'll be gaming, too . . . Gaming? It s where people spin a wheel and bet where it will stop . . . They do, honestly. I know it sounds boring, but people can get addicted, even chess-players. However, I would most particularly counsel you against casual associations with women • • What's that, Pouncer? . . Yes, good, you're right; they're the ones with the bumps on the front. Proverbs, chapter 28, verse 18. Wh(oNsooe wl P alektettYh) uprightly shall be saved: but he that is perverse 111 his ways shall fall at once. Wise words for the soul, but if you take a tip from Solomon here. It might also get our goal difference positive. right? Lean to the left, he's saying, and you pop them in, but any hacking and scything in the box, and it's a red-card situation. Trust in Go"' lads, and when thou runnest, thou shalt not stumble — same book, chapter 4, verse 12. I tell you what, God is all over the pitch of life. He knows the offside trap backwards, He can sell a dummy like you, Jones, on the transfer market unless you hearken unto Him a bit more. go! that? And one more thing: God uses a 1-1-1 formation. Ea-sy.
(Llewellin Berg)
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