YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.
Q. My wife and I have an old-established friend who recently announced that she has inherited a title and is to be formally addressed as Lady X. An inheritance is unlikely and our mutual friends believe that she has purchased the rights of a Lord of the Manor — these are advertised in many glossy magazines! The formal address has become an issue (and, indeed, an embarrass- ment) with many organisations with which We are jointly involved. How should the 'title' be dealt with both formally and socially?
D.J.B., Surrey 4. You can easily check the provenance of the title by ringing the helpful staff of Debrett's. However, so long as they are not trying to obtain credit, there is nothing in law to prevent someone from 'styling' them- selves Lady Snooks, even without purchas- ing a Ladyship of the Manor. Should the title turn out to have been bought, you can therefore tease your friend by saying, with sympathetic facial expression, 'I'm sorry to hear you went and paid a lot of money for Your title! Did you know you could have styled yourself Lady Snooks without paying a Penny? But it's a great idea. I might start calling myself Lord B!' Should she persist in her pomposity, you can puncture it by the following means: add quotation marks to the 'Lady' part of her name in official litera- ture emanating from the organisations with which you are jointly involved, as is naffly done with house names, e.g. `Sunnyridge'.
Q. Is there any way of preventing a well- meaning but obtuse friend from throwing a party to celebrate my departure from these shores? She seems quite set on the idea, apparently oblivious to her glaring deficien- cies as a hostess, and to the fact that most of the 40 friends she proposes to invite loathe one another. How can I put her off this scheme without offending her excessively?
R.M.S., London A. You will have to fund another party your- self, asking a rival friend to pose as the host- ess while you secretly draw up the guest-list. You can then ring your obtuse friend to announce that you have just found out that a surprise party, to which she will soon receive an invitation, is already being organised in your honour by someone else and you do not wish to tread on their toes. Q. I have been living alone for the last six years, but financial circumstances decree that I must shortly start to take in paying guests. Although I am perfectly sane, I am aware that I have begun to talk to myself quite happily as I move about the house. How can I quickly rid myself of this habit, which may well put me at a disadvantage with regard to my personal authority when my lodgers move in?
Name and address withheld A. Purchase a cat or dog. Introduce the beast to your lodgers as being remarkably intelligent. When, in future, they catch you talking to yourself they will presume you are talking to the animal.
Q. When offering guests partridge or grouse, I notice that many of them strug- gle to convey the birds from the proffered serving dish to their plates using the serv- ing spoon and fork provided. How should I put them at their ease?
A.L., London W11 A. The traditional serving spoon and fork offer inadequate grip in the handling of these slippery birds. In some households barbecue tongs are crudely employed in their stead, but grandees have no compunc- tion in helping themselves manually. Encourage your guests to do the same.
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