Intercepted letter
The following letter addressed to Mercurius Oxoniensis has been intercepted and passed to the editor of The Spectator: My Dear Oxoniensis: Alas, we have not had communication of late and I pray that no mischief hath befallen your person. Perchance you have retired for a time from out this bustling world of port and paper and taken a sabbatickal. Yet I cannot forbear from writing to advertise you, dear brother Oxoniensis, of the plague and perils which we have lately suffered at the hand of the ungodly young. Our peace is shattered by the tumult of Rebellion in the faculty of Economics. There those in statu pupilari have joined with divers Longhairs, Socialists and suchlike creatures of darkness to seize and occupy that sacred temple the Old Schools — defiling the fairest of shrines the Combination Room with rancour, filth and fleas. Yea, I have scarce dared to go forth out of College for three days but have remained closeted within, leaving my rooms only to attend at the High Table. Verily, in such fear were we of bold and rampant insurrection that one might not tell whether the College bell tolled for Chapel or the Revolution. Such disruptions are not welcome to our academick life — indeed during this affray the College XV twice missed their fixture as the opposing team from King's Coll, could not be found.
'Tis said that marching from the Sidgwick Site, the Longhairs came with bills, bows, bucklers, bottles and like weapons. Then, breaking down the doors, they burst forth into the East Room — such forcible entry being nevertheless forbidden by University Ordinance and a Statute of Richard II. Then once inside began the Parliament of Fouls and sundry measures enacted by process Democratick: viz, at the will of those Longhairs with the loudest voices. First they would have the Proctors done away with, second they would appoint a government of Longhairs for the University, thirdly they would make us all write essays in Oeconomics. And this within two weeks.
By good fortune, this riot wa's but short-lived: the rebels all agreed upon the r nd and that was Revolution — only they differed in the way. Then, tempted away to swell a rival revolt against Colonisation in Ireland, the forces of the Longhairs were diminished and the siege was ended. Then was Order restored and we may venture out of College once more. The Longhairs have presented a petition. The Council, however, have received it not. Thus Reason and Reaction have prevailed, and the Records must be searched for precedents to discover the penalties for such seditious acts and Rebellion. Which news I know will give you much joy, my dear Oxoniensis.
Your brother, Pseudo-Mercurius Cantabrigiensis
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