YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am an avid drama student and I am taking the subject as a GCSE next year. However, my drama teacher is, to say the least, untalented in the arts of both acting and teaching (which involves controlling pupils). How can I make this evident to my headmaster (with whom I have a good rela- tionship) whilst still keeping respect and good manners?
Name withheld (aged 13), Norfolk A. Write two letters to be given in at the school office. One, to the headmaster, should propose the formation of an ant-col- lecting society or something equally ano- dyne. The other, to your drama teacher, should go along the following lines: 'I really love drama and would find it most helpful if you could perhaps find out more about the subject so that we could expand our horizons. It would also be very helpful if you could keep more control over the lessons and I wonder if there is anything that I could do to help with suppressing the anarchic behaviour of some members of the class who are stopping the rest of us from learning.' Then, all you need do is put the letters in the wrong envelopes and sit back and wait for results.
Dear Mary.. .
Q. Recently we opened our garden for one day to benefit a charity. I was momentarily dismayed to see a particularly large and offensive dog mess right in front of the house and in the middle of the main path that most visitors would have walked along. I thought no more about it until the other night when I sat next to a junior member of the royal family who told me he had been staying with a neighbour of ours and had visited our garden on the day. He said he had been really appalled at his friend's dog's behaviour and the failure of its owner to do anything about the eyesore. Now that I have ascertained the culprit, how should I punish him? I might add that his own gar- den is open to the public.
J.C., Salisbury A. A visual reprimand would probably make more impact than any verbal dress- ing-down you might give him. Buy up sever- al dozen joke-shop dog messes and, visiting your neighbour's garden as a member of the public, arrange them on patio steps, croquet lawns, pond areas and other prime sites. It may be worth buying up a variety of different styles and sizes of messes to heighten the overall effect of your revenge.
Q. I have booked tickets to see Barry Humphries in Oliver on the 28th. I have invited along one of my greatest friends and his wife. Unfortunately my friend is notoriously unreliable and as a rule tele- phones at the last minute to cancel. I am already beginning to dread the evening.
A.B., London W8 A. Simply ring up some other friends, explain your predicament and ask them on this occasion if they would be so kind as to `understudy' the guests in question . by standing by on the afternoon of the 28th in anticipation of your likely SOS call. In this way you can relax secure in the knowledge that one way or another the seats around you will be occupied.
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