No. 652: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to suggest a real `final solution' to the British question, as put forward by any European leader, present or past, in a memorandum to his Foreign Minister or other adviser.

The expected bogeymen, from Julius Caesar onward, were brought out and dusted down in an entry less numerous than usual, possibly due to a natural reluctance on the part of English- men—or anybody else—to devise their own downfall.

One or two unexpected sidelights into his- tory were revealed, including this memo (for which we are indebted to Roger Woddis, who wins two pounds) from the Emperor Hadrian to General Consensus, commanding the Roman forces in Britain in AD 121 which, had it not been misinterpreted, would have provided a remarkably final solution: I must accept responsibility for what can only be regarded as a monumental blunder, in the literal sense of •that epithet. If I had written to you in our native tongue, instead of English, the misunderstanding would never have arisen.

After learning of the serious threat to our dominions in Britain posed by the Picts and Scots, I ordered the construction of a well into which the rebellious natives were to be cast. I learned on my recent visit to Britain that you had misread the word 'well'.

There is nothing that can be done about it now, but I am appalled to think that the name of Hadrian will in future be linked with nothing more illustrious than a twenty-foot stone wall.

Since William the Conqueror came nearest in

history to solving the British question, compe- titors can be forgiven for not departing over- much from the facts in retailing his confidences to his buddy, Odo Bishop of Bayeux. Lance A. Haward's vigorous memorandum wins three pounds:

My Dear Odo, I've worked out the following six-point pro- gramme for complete psychological devastation.

1. To undermine morale with the 'old-bones' trick we tried on Conan. If you can drum up your Saint Leprositica or some such, wrap it in incense-smoke and a bit of well-chosen Latin t) la Gregory, you'll soon have the unschooled lout groggy.

2. A 'lightning-from-heaven' blitzkrieg to demoralise the huscarls.

3. To back up the lightning-bit, can you get your engineers to lob over some sort of high- level missiles throughout the summer and start a rumour of ominous shooting-stars?

4. We two go in hefting just maces instead of swords—no bloodshed, men of God, the divine wrath-bringers, get it?

5. A coronation in their newest and most sacred prestige-shrine—on Christmas Day for a real despair-inducing gesture?

6. A social set-up of brain-curdling complexity based on an imminent Doomsday! Comments?

Falaise BILL

Another William, this time from Peter Peter- son, and also to Odo, wins two pounds: Dear Odo,

I'm glad His Holiness approves. I thought that jewelled monstrance would do the trick. The stones are only glass, by the way. Now, after your diplomatic triumph, I must ask you to • lend me your strong right arm. You can't shed blood, I know, being a churchman, but you can always take a swing at the Saxons with that ball and chain of yours; it's just the thing for that wooden-headed lot. I propose to straighten out the Angles, too. In fact, Harold is going to get it in the eye. The New Order will prove a little painful for some of them at first, but they'll be grateful to us in the end. They badly need a civilising influence. A touch of our Norman French will do wonders for that uncouth language of theirs.

Yours till Domesday, William Of the various versions from Philip it, Tim O'Dowda's wins three pounds, as being, among other things, the most radical: Philip fl to the Duke of Medina Sidonia (At Sea) I toyed with the idea of incinerating all the English in one vast auto-da-fe as a pious trib- ute to the memory of that blessed Mary, my wife, whose own labours in this direction were so cruelly truncated — but have decided that whatever stocks of timber you seize ashore must be reserved for repairing the sides of those few ships of the Holy Armada as may sustain some slight damage during the sca- fight precedent to the conquest. I have decreed a kinder fate for these northern heretics. Direct ly England is taken, you will tow her back and moor her off the coast of Portugal, where the softening influences of the southern sun and the harder persuasions of the Inquisition will soon make all her people good Catholics again—and honorary Spaniards to boot. Do not demur, dear son, and say it is impossible. With prayer, all' things are possible.

Finally, to our nearest and dearest enemy. Napoleon's missive to Talleyrand written on the eve of Trafalgar shows the dreadful fate that might have befallen us. Plus ca change! Four pounds to Rufus Stone: Now that Nelson, his vigour sapped by his in- numerable adulteries (ah—what 'ippocrites these Anglais 1) is about to be defeated by Villeneuve, the question poses itself of how we are to deal with the English after our suc- cessful invasion. The best means of breaking the spirit of 'the nation of shopkeepers' is ob- viously economic. I suggest a system whereby we cut them off from all advantageous trading with their colonies; and by which we force them to buy our surplus agriculture at exorbi- tant rates and sell us their industrial manufac- tures at ludicrously cheap ones. The economic depression bred by this, coupled with the tem- peramental depression engendered by dwelling forever amid the fogs of their hyperborean fastness, will soon drive them so melancholy- mad that they will all shoot themselves.

PS. Obviously, we must cloak the legalised piracy of this scheme with some plausible label. Perhaps, Monsieur, you could suggest one?