No. 1258: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a letter from Maggie Thatcher to her friend Pam written in the same spirit of sex- ual solidarity as the letters of Denis to Bill in Private Eye.

A wickedly good entry, the women (even allowing for confusing pseudonyms) being noticeably harder-hitting than the men. Among the touches I enjoyed most were: 'It was fun driving that new Maestro. Stupid name, though. Why alien? Why male?' (John Doxat), 'Regarding your last ques- tion, the answer is June. Vox populi, vox Dei' (Joseph Cole), 'Just a scribble from under the dryer — my "thatchfixer", as Denis calls him, is here' (Monica G. Ribon), 'Men should look stern. Leave the sweetness to me' (N. J. Warburton) and 'PS. How are you?' (Carole Angier). An honourable mention for James Stuart, a newcomer, I think. The five win- ners printed below receive £10 each, and the bonus bottle of Château Labrousse 1975 is awarded to Jill Hingyi for a fine mixture of nonsense and no-nonsense.

Dear Pam, Thank you for your most thoughtful and practical letter, especially the recipes for left- over eggs and flour — or rather, eggs and flour

thrown over one by the Left?

Well, Pancake Day is well and truly behind us now, as is the water strike. Fortunately one did

not need to resort to your resourceful suggestion of rupturing the water mains to certain breweries popular among the working classes — although one may resort to it if the miners get quite out of hand. I simply dread being unable to use my heated rollers because of power cuts.

Poor Elizabeth, forced to prolong her stay in lurid LA, unable to keep a Mother's eye on her naughty Andy; still, at least security there should be tighter than at home. I keep on and on at Willie about changing the guard at Buckingham Palace — entre nous, he's a beautiful blue, but

he hasn't a clue.

Love to you and your bull mastiffs. (Jill Hingyi) Dear Pam, I'm really wonderfully well, Everyone round me is going down with flu! I'll tell you a secret. You mustn't tell anyone. I used to feel the need of senior statesmen as advisers. I had a ridiculous respect for their wisdom, but I have found that if I listen to what they say and then do the opposite I am sure to do right. That's where the odious Ted went wrong. Carrington advised him to go to the Country, and look where he isl I don't want to go to the Country. It would be trading on my popularity.

Question time was a triumph today. I can say I have never done anything better. I dominated the House. I was almost sorry for Michael. I am enclosing the recipe you asked for. Feed the beast is still true. Whenever I'm in difficulties at No. 10 1 make a Quiche Lorraine!

(T. Griffiths) Dear Pam, It's kindest as you say to be firm with George by making plain from the word go of his first retirement day that you don't ever want to see him in your house till after 6 p.m. Don't fall for pathetic dodges such as offers to help with setting out the cups and cakes — you might just as well scrub the coffee mornings. One whiff of an unshaven husband around the place in py- jamas after 8.30 a.m. spells Armageddon.

I felt a lump in the throat throwing Denis out to the vestry the first day, but now he sees it was for his own good. He almost enjoys being a churchwarden, and so will George, given time.

Poor Mildred Preston (remember?) allowed hers a welding workshop in her basement. As you may well imagine, she just popped out for a wave and set and on her return the house was a blackened shell.

(George Moor) Dear Pam, I'm sure you're rejoicing as we are at that dreadful creature Tatchell's come-uppance. Incidentally, have you heard the nice story about why old Footers washed his hands in the first place? Apparently he got Tatchell mixed up with that Terry Kelly person. We just don't want them here, do we?

Denis is being very tiresome at present with his eternal Boris jokes and his complaints that I'm trying to keep everyone 'dry'. I'm afraid he doesn't fully understand the spiritual side of what we are trying to do. Of course he has set a fine example of how wealth-creation should be rewarded, but he was quite rude about some of those dear people in the Falklands, and I had to explain that loyalty and patriotism must be rewarded too.

I'm having a dreadful time with my 'woman who does'. She wants some Japanese labour- saving device instead of good British elbow- grease and scouring pads. It makes me wonder are we giving young girls the right kind of education, if they lack the essential practical skills? And she could easily have her arthritis attended to, if only she had been more thrifty.

Enough for now. I have to go and stiffen up Willie!

(Basil Ransome-Davies) Dear Pam, Yes, you're right, I do rather like seeing myself on TV. I agree that I do it jolly well except walking round those factories with Denis (he will walk ahead instead of staying at heel). I often look as if my feet are killing me (which they are). I know exactly how the Queen feels.

No, I've certainly not forgotten your idea of privatising the government and converting it into a profit-making enterprise but must wait until I've won the election, then anything goes! Had drinkies with Denis at the golf club yesterday. The usual right royal reception. Real gents. No wets. Very democratic. They honestly don't give a damn which public school a chap went to if he's one of us.

Must go, Pam. Got to take my cabinet class. if I'm not there they'll be larking about throwing paper darts etc, and messing the place up.

(Gerry Hamill)