19 MAY 2001, Page 63

Q. My wife has recently completed a course of genetic

modification which has dramatically increased the size of her previously rather nondescript bosoms. The revolutionary treatment, my gift to her for her 56th birthday, involves the injection of genetic material from Jersey cows. Unfortunately, there have been some embarrassing side-effects, Among those most readily apparent is her continual salivating and her touching, but somewhat off-putting, habit of waiting for me at the garden fence as I return from work at night, then following me along the path to the gate, at which point she turns and bolts skittishly up the lawn. While I am happy to turn a blind eye to this in return for the opportunity to caress her stupendous breasts, we are soon to attend the Hunt Ball, which will be graced by the presence of Prince Charles and Mrs Parker Bowles. I have nightmares when I think of the embarrassment should my wife follow the Prince of Wales around, or if his partner, already seething with jealousy, were to slip on a pool of my wife's saliva in the middle of the hokey-cokey. What can I do?

A.S., Aberdeen A. My readers are very busy people. Please do not waste their time by submitting queries which are clearly bogus.