19 NOVEMBER 1983, Page 48

No. 1293: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a set of rules for a Groucho Club to be founded in London.

`So you want to see the rules, Mrs Ritten- house? Ah, what an evening we could have, just you and me and the moon and the rulebook! No, let's make it just the moon and me and the rulebook.' So George Sim- mers, himself throwing the rulebook out of the window. Some of your rules for anar- chy tended to rely on the obvious: obligatory moustaches, lopes and vile man- ners only added up to premises crammed with pseudo-Grouchos behaving outrageously to each other, a nice subject for a cartoon maybe, but not quite what I was after. What I was after of course was laughs, and all the winners wrung at least a smile out of me. There are £2 for every rule below, and the three bottles of Morgon '81, presented by Mrs John MacClancy and Mr Stephen Proffer of Le Routier Restaurant, are on their way to V. Ernest Cox.

Annual subscriptions are due on the first Monday of every week.

Ladies must be kept on a leash at all times.

Outstanding bills must be settled in advance of a heart attack.

The stewards cannot guarantee to wake snoozers at a particular hour unless the forehead is time- stamped.

Rumours must always be circulated in an anti- clockwise direction.

Reading in the car park is prohibited, as is the parking of vehicles in the library.

Spats must be removed before entering the jacuzzi. The Club will blackball anyone who wants to be a member, because no one who wants to be a member of a club that would have anyone should be one.

Prospective members must satisfy the Club that the Club would not have him and that he would immediately resign if it did.

These rules have been made known to the Club by prospective members in order to ensure they would not wish to be members.

Should anyone accept these rules and desire to be a member he will be blackballed in such a fashion that he will be insulted and no longer want to be a member. Once he has satisfied the Club of this he will become eligible.

(T. Griffiths) All members shall go under at least three aliases, which shall be vetted for due preposterousness by the club's officers.

Any clubman in the club felt by the other clubmen in the club not to be a clubbable clubman shall quit the club, or be clubbed.

There will be a strict ban on impertinent little wines; only those with a good nose will be served.

See preceding rule; for 'wines' read 'wives'.

Decisions of the President, Dr Hiram B. Luncheonvoucher, shall be anything but final.

(Peter Norman) Members must disobey rule one and two other rules.

Membership is restricted in number to the AGM quorum less one.

Members must be of either sex but not necessarily in that order.

The club shall be exclusive and secret. Members will keep a) their identity and b) the fact of their membership from c) other members and d) themselves.

The rules of the club must be read and adhered to in reverse order.

(N. J Warburton) Casual wear and tear is acceptable except for dinner, when full armour is obligatory, and the card-table, where suits are expected.

Members must use the spittoons for the proper purpose. There is a practice area in the basement.

Disputes between members must be settled by firing soda siphons at a distance of 15 paces.

Tipping the dumb waiter is forbidden.

Any drunk who becomes a gentleman in his cups will be promptly ejected.

(George Moor)

Membership costs £100 per annum. Remittances, in cash only, must be accompanied by documentary proof that it was borrowed on the club premises.

No horse-play involving horses is permitted.

No more than 50 persons are allowed to enter one of the club's single bedrooms at a time.

(A. A. Boteman) Members are not permitted to strike club servants, who are, however, allowed to retaliate. The Committee cannot accept responsibility for any member left unattended.

(V. Ernest Cox)

(J. B. Miller)