Spectator Corridors
Thursday, October 10 It was at Mr Creighton's House, where a pretty numerous company had assembled to celebrate the defeat of the Party they favoured, that I encountered Dr Cosgrave on that evening. "Depend upon it, Sir," he declared to Mr Kingsley Amis, who had announced his intention of withholding his suffrage. "There are few ways a man may be more innocently employed than in casting votes. In the Northern provinces of Hibernia 'tis the custom to spend whole days upon that exercise. Which greatly increases the proper understanding of democracy and the profits of theatrical custumiers." When Mr Amis had moved on, another worthy approached the good Doctor. He rebuked Dr Cosgrave for his unregenerate spleen against our European cousins and lamented that the Artisan victory would disrupt the favourable progress of European unity. "Don't cant in defence of Savages, Sir," replied the Sage. "I perceive you are a vile Marketeer. Alas, there are but two men who rightly know the true method of preserving peace among the Nations. Sir Alec Douglas-Home is one. And I am the Other. I shall be glad to explain the nature of the balance of power, should time permit." At this, however, a runner arrived with the intelligence that great gains had been made by the faction agitating for the separation of Scotland from England. Dr Cosgrave remarked that this amourfted to separating Scotland from civilisation, and that he did not doubt that this had long been the ambition of most of that country's inhabitants. Guest: "But, has not the discovery of oil opened up many favourable prospects for the faction of Scottish Nationalists?" Cosgrave: "Sir, the most favourable prospect a Scottish Nationalist sees is the electoral road to Westminster."
Never had 1 seen the mighty Sage in a better frame — lofty, wise, benevolent, serene. Yet, as the evening wore on and the Levellers seemed to be falling back from triumph, perhaps to stalemate, his temper grew less mild and he became almost choleric. He started violently, as if pained, upon the entry of a tall man, having somewhat the look of a bloodhound, who himself acted so proudly that he might almost have owned the place. Puzzle: "Who is that fellow?" Cosgrave: "I would not speak ill of any man behind his back, but I believe him to be connected with the Conservative Central Office."
This man now came near, and I could see that he was in no way pleased at the turn events had taken. He opined to the Doctor that it would not now be difficult for Mr Heath to remain at the helm of the Tory Party.
"Difficult do you call it, Sir," replied Dr Cosgrave. "I wish it were impossible." But the fellow persisted, and asked whether any man could have so skilfully managed the campaign as to ensure that the Levellers were restrained by being only in a slight majority. Cosgrave: "Yes, Sir, many men, many women, and many children."
In choleric humour himself now, the Tory functionary angrily retorted that Mr Heath's call for the unity of the nation had proved a popular cry, that many electors had been seduced by it, and that it was responsible for preserving the people from the most extreme experiments of the Levellers. That, he declared, was irrefutable, "I refute it thus," answered the Sage, striking the fellow full across the face so as to produce a visible contusion on his brow almost at once.
"The man's an ass, and there's an end on't," said the good Doctor and stamped off to compose a sermon on reconciliation among Tories.
Tom Puzzle
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